#except the other day when i saw them on their apartment balcony as i was going to vote

[eddiediaaz]

why did my ex i haven't talked to in months just texted me to say liam payne is dead??????

[trippedandfell]

stop the world just to stop the feeling

The night before Maddie and Chimney's wedding, Buck and Eddie talk on a balcony. | 1.5k | buddie | ao3

Eddie’s just uncapped his second beer when he hears footsteps behind him, so familiar he recognizes who it is by sound alone.

“Hey,” he says, as Buck sidles into view, arms coming to rest on the balcony railing beside him. He’s got a drink in his hand, too - one of those fruity vodka seltzers that Eddie’s reluctantly started stocking in the bottom drawer of his fridge. “Couldn’t sleep?”

Buck fiddles with the tab on his can, the silver of it reflecting in the moonlight. “Something like that.”

His shirt is slightly too big, slipping down just enough to expose the sharp jut of his collarbone, the dark bruise forming on the edge of it. Eddie’s eyes fly to it without permission, and Buck flushes red. 

“It’ll be covered by the suit tomorrow, promise.”

“Mm.” Eddie takes another sip of his beer, ignoring the sour way it curdles in his stomach. “Good. Think Chim’s one incident away from going full groomzilla.”

“Can you blame him?”

“Not at all,” Eddie admits, and Buck huffs a laugh. “You should have been me the night before Shannon and I got married. I was a wreck.”

He’d been alone, in the shitty little apartment they’d rented once they learned about Christopher, Shannon spending the night at her mom’s across town to help them cling to some ragged sense of propriety that neither of them truly believed in. It had been one of the most awful, stomachache-inducing nights he’d ever had up to that point in his life, and it wasn’t until he saw Shannon in the church the next day, glowing in a way that had nothing to do with the bump hidden under the folds of her white dress, that everything had finally clicked into place.

“Hi,” she had said, reaching out to squeeze his hand, and Eddie had let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

Buck’s staring at him now, as if he can sense the myriad emotions playing out in Eddie’s head. “It’s so weird,” he says. “Maddie and Chimney have basically been married for a while now. But all of this just makes it feel so real.” He gestures a hand at the expansive hotel grounds, the ocean beyond. “I mean, my parents are here.”

Eddie knows. Eddie had done an exceptional job at ignoring them at the rehearsal dinner that night, tucked in the corner by himself, Marisol having gone to their room earlier with a headache.

He feels a brief, guilty flash about leaving her alone now, although she’d been snoring when he’d crept past Chris on the sofa bed and out into the light of the hallway. He wonders, idly, if he should have left a note.

“They seem to be behaving,” he offers, which is about all of the goodwill he’s able to give the Buckley parents at any given time. Buck makes a face at him, and he adds, half-teasing, “for now.”

As far as he knows, they haven’t said a word so far to Buck about Tommy. He should probably ask, but somehow he can’t make his mouth form the words.

Buck drums his fingers against the balcony, quiet. “Do you ever think about it?”

What, fighting your parents? Eddie almost jokes, but he knows that’s not what Buck’s asking. “About getting married again?”

“Or getting married at all,” Buck says, and there’s something in his face, something suspiciously like longing, that has Eddie taking another gulp of his beer. “Like, big reception, flowers. The whole nine yards.”

“I wouldn’t do a big reception,” Eddie says, shuddering. “Just in the backyard, or something.”

Buck cracks a smile. “You do have a nice backyard.”

“You’re just saying that because you did all the landscaping,” Eddie says, bumping their shoulders together. “I had to weed it the other day though, so I should at least get partial credit.”

Buck looks sheepish at that, which wasn’t what Eddie was going for, but also wasn’t not what he wanted to happen. “I meant to come do it this week, I’ve just been -”

“Busy,” Eddie finishes for him, which isn’t fair, not really. Not when Buck is still over at his house most days, not when he hasn’t missed a single one of his afternoons out with Christopher. It’s just that there’s now a new purple marker in his kitchen, carefully outlining Buck’s availability on the calendar.

Eddie’s never had to schedule Buck in before. Not with Taylor, or Natalia, or even Ali, way back when. 

Combine that with the fact that Buck’s now asking about marriage…

Eddie drains the last of his beer. “You should get some sleep. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Buck agrees, but stays where he is, shoulder still pressed against Eddie’s. “Hey - uh. We’re good, right?”

“Buck, you’ve already apologized.” And grovelled, and apologized again, until Eddie was back from medical leave and working with the 118 again.

“Not about that.” Buck shakes his head, the movement bringing him closer to Eddie still, their forearms nearly overlapping on the railing. “I mean - about me. And Tommy, I guess.”

And Eddie - Eddie will be the first to admit it took him a second to come to terms with it, to fully wrap his head around the idea of Buck with a man and, more specifically, Buck with Tommy. But he’d hugged Buck, and stumbled his way through some approximation of support, and then gone home and researched until his eyes were burning and he’d bookmarked every tab he could find about bisexuality and being a good ally - so. He thinks he’s been doing okay, overall. Certainly not poorly enough to make Buck question if he’s been harbouring secret homophobic tendencies all this time.

“You know I’m good with that,” he says, and means it. “And you and Tommy seem - really good. So if you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Buck’s eyebrows crinkle together, and Eddie has to resist the fanatical urge to reach over and smooth them out. “I know. I know you are. But something else just seems - wrong.”

“With me?”

“With us,” Buck says, voice veering toward frustration. “Come on, Eddie. You know you feel it too.”

Something thumps in Eddie’s chest, like his heart is suddenly trying to beat out of his chest. “Buck, I promise nothing’s changed-”

“But something has,” Buck says. “And I don’t know what, and it’s driving me insane, and every time I’m at work or at the gym or even with Tommy-” Wait, what? Eddie thinks, panicked -  “I’m lost in my own head, wondering how the fuck I managed to mess up the most important relationship in my life.”

“You didn’t fuck anything up,” Eddie says, honest. “No one did. It’s just - growing pains. You’re in a relationship, I’m in a relationship - it’s natural that we maybe don’t come first for each other anymore.”

Buck stares at him, the corner of his eyes suspiciously red. “We both know you don’t actually believe that.”

He doesn’t, but they’re veering into dangerous territory now. “Buck-”

“Why is it different now?” Buck says. “We’ve both dated people at the same time before. Taylor and Ana, Marisol and Natalia. Why is this different?”

Eddie doesn’t feel like he’s capable of breathing. “Buck-”

“It’s not because I’m with Tommy,” Buck says, raking a hand through his hair. “Or that I’m bi. It’s not actually any of it, is it, Eddie?”

He doesn’t sound angry, just - resigned. Tired. The beer bottle is clammy against Eddie’s palm. 

“You never answered my question earlier,” Buck says. “About if you would get married again.”

When Eddie speaks, his voice feels like sandpaper. “Maybe. If it was the right person.”

“Is Marisol the right person?”

“Is Tommy?”

Buck flinches, minuscule. “I asked first.”

“You know what my answer is, Buck,” Eddie says, and he’s tired, so tired. 

“You know mine too,” Buck says, soft.

He does know. Just like he knows Buck’s favourite song, favourite dinner, favourite feel-good rom-com. Just like he knows that Buck will spend all of tomorrow night dancing with Tommy, but he’ll save one dance for Christopher, spinning him around the middle of the room while Eddie watches. Just like how he knows -

“Eddie,” Buck says, and Eddie realizes how close they are now, facing each other with the moon still high overhead, lips a hairsbreadth apart. “We can’t.”

Eddie can feel Buck’s exhale against his lips. “I know,” he says. Taking a step back feels like swimming against a riptide, but he manages to get his limbs to cooperate eventually. “We should head back in.”

Buck swallows, chin bobbing as he nods. “Yeah. I’ll - uh. See you tomorrow?”

There’s something here, slipping out of Eddie’s grasp. He doesn’t think either of them knows quite how to cling on to it. 

“See you tomorrow,” he echoes, and then Buck’s turning toward the door, back to the hallway that’ll lead him to his room, to Tommy in his bed.

Eddie waits until he’s fully out of sight before he follows.

also on ao3!

---

tags: @leothil @sibylsleaves @alliaskisthepossibilityoflove @deformed-globule @cantyouseethatyouresmotheringme @silassstingy

[misserabella]

stray. pt.6

joel miller x fem! reader

< previous chapter next chapter >

summary; after saving Joel and Ellie from the brink of death, you get caught with having to live with two more strays.., and you don't do strays.

REMINDER: english is not my mother language so i apologize if there are some mistakes <3 !¡either ways, i hope y'all like it. <3

REPOSTS AND COMMENTS ARE VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!<3

warnings; eventual +18 content! MINORS DONT INTERACT IN THE CHAPTERS WHERE IT IS IMPLIED IN THE WARNINGS. and smut, mentions of death, possible deaths, blood, fighting, angst, fluff...

warnings for chapter 6; so much fluffffffff, tension, arguing, cursing, kissing, cuddling, ellie being a sweetheart and loving reader…

Please, under no circumstances, repost my work on any other sites. I do not consent to anyone taking my work and posting it as their own.

When Ellie woke up it was too early in the morning, sunrise, just when her body started to notice the lack of warmth. Her hands reached out for something, for you, her fingertips meeting nothing more than the cold sheets that once had surrounded you.

She frowned and sat up. The darkness of the salon swallowing her whole and a gust of air coming from your open balcony met her when she stepped outside of the room. Outside was Joel, smoking, probably awake since not long ago.

“She’s gone.” he said, without even looking at her, and her shoulders fell when her suspicions became real.

-

You were gone for three days. Enough time for Ellie to finish reading Alice in Wonderland. You felt as the white rabbit. Always too fast to reach, too quick to disappear and leave her behind…

You closed the door of your apartment, your back aching for the weight on your bag. You sighed when you pushed yourself to your sofa, and oh god, it for once was comfortable.

You left your bag aside and leaned on it. You felt at peace just when Ellie barged in the salon from your room.

“Oh, fuck! You’re alive! Now I owe Joel the sausages of my next breakfast.” she whined, and you rolled your eyes.

“Nice to see you too, brat.”

“Where the hell did you go?” she inquired, a curious expression on her face when she saw you get up and get your back.

“Went looking for this.” you said, getting out of it about five books, some big, some small, and all about the same thing; the space.

Her eyes widened, her heart stopping inside her chest.

“No.” she said, in disbelief.

“Yeah. Went to the library up east, thought you’d like having something more of your liking to read.” you scoffed, feeling awkward. Ellie’s hand were almost shaking when she took them from you. Physics, astronauts, NASA, the universe, the planets and every little star that was known to date before the outbreak… Everything.

“Thank you.” she whispered, shiny eyes still on the books in between your arms. “Thank you so much, y/n.” she smiled at you, and you scratched the back of your neck.

“Yeah, uhm… Whatever kid.” you said, pulling your bag over your shoulder. “I’m gonna go sleep now, alright? Would probably be passed out for a couple of days. Don’t you dare wake me up.” you said before entering Laura’s room and leaving your backpack on the floor. You sighed when one of the paint cans rolled out of it. You took it in between your hands. Black.

You looked up to Laura’s ceiling, and sighed.

“Well shit.”

-

Your body was covered in sweat, and your muscles ached and burned with every new punch you gave to the speed bag.

It was dark at night, no soul on the streets, everybody fast asleep. Everyone except for you. Your mind was clearly a mess, and your eyes were unable to close. Training always helped you with the fear that you always felt, but this time it was stronger, and none of your punches or kicks could make it go away, beat it out of yourself.

All of this scares you shitless. The things you’d found lately doing, the person that lied stuck into your head like the roots of your hair…

Every time you closed your eyes there was him, him and his stupid hair, and his stupid brown shiny eyes, his voice, his warmth and his smell.

You wanted it all out of your head, him out of your head.

You turned around when you heard footsteps at your back, and for a moment, you were in a dream. You had to be.

“You’re back.” Joel was resting against the threshold of the door to the training salon where you boxed and boxed everyday to get stronger, rougher…

There was this silence. This unspoken tension in between the two of you that begged you to lose yourself, to ignore the warnings from your head.

He couldn’t help but take you in, with rosy cheeks and shiny flushed skin, hair wet on a high ponytail.

He was like a ghost, a ghost that you couldn’t scape from, that haunted you when awake and asleep.

“Joel…” you muttered his name, and he stepped inside the room. The air around you seemed to instantly weight down on your shoulders even harder.

You couldn’t scape from him, couldn’t scape from it all, right?

“You look good.” and by that he meant that you didn’t look hurt, not like the last time. That was good.

“I know my ways.” you shrugged, and balanced the bag, that had been swaying due to your last punch. He looked at you, and you looked at him. There was it again.

“Ellie showed me the books.” he said, and your eyes darted away.

You shrugged, trying to hide your true intentions.

“Needed to go for some things to the next town and found them.” you explained, the silence in between the two of you feeling like stone over stone, a tall wall.

“You do that a lot.” he said, and your breath hitched when he took a couple of steps closer, facing you. You could almost feel his warmth fill the air around you.

“What?” you inquired, and he was looking down at you, his head cocked slightly to the side as one of his hand reached out for you, for a lock of hair that had fallen on your forehead. You shivered when he pushed it away, his fingertips like electricity against your skin.

“Run away.” he answers, and you fell silent, until you could make the words stuck on your chest leave your lips.

“I don’t run away, Joel.” you spat, and pushed his touch away, but he just simply took your wrist, his grip soft against your skin. It burned.

“Oh but you do. You’re doing it right now.” he whispered, and your body froze. He was so close it was hard to breath.

You squinted your eyes, and in a quick movement you had pinned him to the floor, your hips straddling his, his hands on each side of his head. You felt like burning on a fire place, like snow melting under the sun, like a fire cracker being light up. You felt like giving in, like making your head stop whispering your fears, to stop the clock and freeze the time, to give into his eyes and lose yourself on his touch, on how he spoke, on how he felt…

“I’m not a coward.” you muttered, anger dripping from your lips, your eyes hard as a glaciar, but Joel was like the apocalypse, was like the unstoppable rising of global warming, and you were falling apart, melting.

Your breath left your lungs when you found yourself pinned below him, one of his hands harshly pinning your wrists to the floor, one of his legs in between your own and his weight on top of you to make you stay still. You were trapped. But had you ever been free?

“Then stop running.” he whispered, and your heart pushed harder against your ribs. His eyes were on you and solely you, his face just mere inches away. “Please stop running from me.” he muttered, and your eyes fell to his lips, to his healing cut, to his tongue dampening them. xxx

“I can’t.” you whispered back, but you were moving closer, giving in. It was unstoppable, you were drunk on his skin already. Addicted to the possibility of him. “I shouldn’t.” you said, and Joel’s grip on your wrists faltered, your voice sending chills down his body.

But now his lips were brushing yours, and your body was arching for his touch. Your mind was dead silent, as if he was the answer to all the questions, to all the doubts, as if he was the only thing that could make your world stop spinning, stop hurting.

His lips felt like stepping in heaven, like finding water in a desert, like being able to eat for the first time after starving for weeks…

He quickly let go of your hands to capture your waist, your own digging in his grayish hair. You were like gasoline. And he was a lighter. You were too gone to think about the disaster, about the fire.

He groaned against your lips when you pulled from his hair, pushing him harder against you, opening your mouth for him. He was quick to give it to you, pulling from you so you could straddle his lap once again, sitting softly on his strong and thick thighs.

“Joel…” you whispered against your lips, your mind screaming for you to run away the moment you pulled away to catch your breath, but he was nipping at your neck, and your body was consumed in electricity. He must have seen that look in your eyes, ‘cause he was quick to act.

“Don’t run from me.” he pulled you back to his lips, his arms surrounding your body to press you impossibly closer to his chest. It was an indescribable feeling, to have you this close, to taste the sweetness of your mouth, to tell your heartbeat against his…

And that’s when you noticed that you’d had it wrong this whole time, ‘cause truth was that you couldn’t. You couldn’t run away from him anymore. Not ever.

You melted in his arms.

“I’m right here.” he promised, muting all the warnings in your mind. And for once, you believed him. Ignored them. ‘Cause he was kissing you as if the world was ending, when in reality it was starting for you once again.

-

“Okay. Close your eyes. Don’t you dare fucking look.”

“I won’t.” Ellie groaned as you pulled from her through the salon.

“Good ‘cause then I’ll kill you.” you threatened her, opening the door at your back and dragging her in. You turned on the lights to Laura’s room, room which you hadn’t let anybody stepped into for days on end, until now. “Okay…” you said, your breath shaky and shallow. You were nervous. Terrified. You’d finally finished it. There were still bits of paint on your hands. “You can…, look.” you said, slowly. And Ellie at the same pace pulled her hands away from her face and opened her eyes.

Her heart skipped a beat, her lips parted in a breath.

You were looking at her, staring at the ceiling, her shiny eyes sparking with the stars you had drawn all over it, the colors of the space, the little constellations drawn by hand. By your hands…

“I was thinking you could… Stay here. Larry seemed to have taken a liking to the two of you and…” you took a deep breath in, her eyes now on you. “I want you to stay.” you muttered, your gut growing in knots. “You don’t have to. I was thinking that you could use this room and… Since you told me you liked the stars and the space so much I went to that town where I got your books and…” you were babbling, unable to stop talking when suddenly she was hugging you, knocking the air out of your lungs.

“Thank you.” there were tears brimming her eyes, and she was clinging to you as if you were the last anchor to this cruel world. “Thank you.” she repeated, and even if your arms were shaking you hugged her back.

“I get that as I ‘yes, and thank you for the drawing, I love it’?” you sarcastically played it off, trying to lighten the weight of the situation. It was suddenly too much, but not enough at the same time. It felt nice. To have somebody to look for again, to love again.

“Yes. I love it.” she repeated, and she smiled at you, letting you go and looking once again at the ceiling. “But what about Laura… This is her room.” she whispers, careful, softly…

“I’m sure she won’t mind sharing it with a brat as cool as you.” you said, and her smile only grew even more. You let out a laughter when she only came back to your arms, her head resting on your chest. “Okay, kid. Enough of that.” you played, pushing her away.

“Can I keep her drawings? I like watching them.” she pointed at Laura’s sketches, still hanging on the walls.

“Of course.” you smiled, the air around you feeling somehow warmer.

“Oh, and y/n?” she suddenly called out for you, your eyes back to her.

“Yeah?”

“Could you teach me how to draw?” she inquired, and you couldn’t help the huge smile that softened your face.

“Yeah.”

-

Things between you and Joel were silent. Dead silent. Since that kiss… Since those eyes had begged you to stop running away from him… You hadn’t even be able to look at him, ‘cause you knew that the moment you would, you wouldn’t be able to stop the dam that captured all your feelings to fly open.

You were smoking on your balcony when you heard him close the door to your apartment. It was late at night, and Ellie was sleeping in her now room. With charcoal all over her face since she had stayed up late while you taught her how to draw the anatomy of the human body.

You were on your fifth now, and your body was begging you for even more. Now that you could feel his presence, hear his steps getting closer…

You felt like pray. Like a rabbit trying to run away from a wolf.

He sat by your side, and the gravity pulling you down on your seat seemed to increase.

You took a drag of your cigarette, and when you heard his own sizzling you couldn’t help your eyes to drift towards him, towards the bear on his jaw and chin, the mustache rimming his lips, the hard lines of his face, his nose, his eyes, his eyebrows, his hair, his neck, his chest…

“It’s rude to stare so much.” he casually said, and you looked away as fast as you could, harshly swallowing. That’s when you felt his index finger and thumb took your chin to make you look at him once again. “Did I tell you to stop?” he muttered, and you looked into his brown eyes, he was now closer, his thumb caressing your chin. “You keep trying to hide from me.” he said, and you sighed when he pressed against your bottom lip, his eyes taking you in. “Trying to act like you can’t feel how much I want you. How much I want to kiss you right now.”

“Joel…” you called out for him, but your next words got swallowed by his lips when he kissed you. Your eyes closed as you leaned in it, your arms surrounding his neck.

“You’ve saved me. Multiple times. You still save me everyday.” he whispers against your lips, and there are goosebumps creeping up your skin when his fingers trailed down your neck, softly, mere fingertips against your skin. “Let me save you.” he begged, and your heart ached. ‘Cause you liked him. You liked Joel Miller. And there was no turning back from that fact, not if you were scared you’d lose him too, scared of your heart breaking again. Your eyes were watering, and his were beautiful. “Can I kiss you, y/n? Can I hold you?” he inquired, mere centimeters separating you two.

And when you nodded, he didn’t waste time to surround you with his strong and warm arms, your cigarettes long abandoned and forgotten on top of the balcony table.

You could taste the remains on his lips, taste his need to keep you close, to love you.

“Joel…” you cried out when he kissed you softly, so softly it was ripping you apart. So softly it was leaving you naked in front of him, freeing you of all the walls you had surrounded yourself with.

“You’re beautiful.” he muttered against your lips, and you swore you could die when his mouth left soft pecks all over your face.

“Please don’t leave.” you whispered in between his hands as he cupped your face, kissing your forehead.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby. I promise.”

And he repeated it over and over again as he carried you to your bed, where he laid you and pulled you flush against his chest, holding you like you didn’t know you needed to be held. “I promise.”

Joel was gluing all your broken parts back together.

-

taglist; ♡

@bubbles-for-all-of-us @hiphopdancer101universe @amethystwonders11 @mmeerraa @azxulaa @euovennia @twilightsbiggestfan @dabria14 @minaxcarter @lynndaline @frogjumps-world @cassiepascal @mdnigts @fudosl @batweildinglittlepysco @doodlebob-mp3 @boh3mian @saintmagx @scaredknight @ipadkidsworld @somebodytookmyusername @natalia42069 @cassrox @seninjakitey @maddsfilms @issybee0611 @corpsebridenightamare @eddie-munsons-slut @wren-2-d @hiroikegawa @luvwanda @hawsx3

pedro pascal masterlist! <3

joel miller masterlist! <3

a/n; AGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! there’d probably be about 1 or 2 more chapters, sadly enough. hope you liked this one, and thank you for all the support!! love you<3

[misstodorokifreelance]

BNHA Hybrid Head-canons

Boku No Hybrid Academia anyone???

I have head-canons for my three main boys (Todoroki, Bakugou and Midoriya...in that order of personal preference. Hehe.) but I also have head-canons for Kaminari and Kirishima. If you would like me to do a part 2 please let me know!! I don’t do the villains or teachers though, maybe Dabi is an exception. It's been a while since I was on Tumblr but I'm back and will mostly likely be around weekly so don't forget to check in. Now, when it gets to the Rut section it’ll be very smutty and suggestive, so an NSFW warning goes out.  TW: general smut, oral, breeding kink, mommy kink, praise kink, a lil non-con.

First things first though, here are some Hybrid AU head-canons for the world! 

 ✨ Hybrids appeared in the world in much the same way Quirks did. Now most of the population is partially human and partially animal, and they classify themselves as half way between.  For example; A Human-Cat Hybrid would be classified as Homo Felis, where as a Human-Fox Hybrid would be classified as Homo Vulpes.  ✨ Hybrid students are encouraged to act as human as possible, so on weekends or holidays they often just relax and use their animal instincts.  ✨ Some Hybrids gain extra abilities due to the species they are, such as better vision, extremely agility or even camouflage.  ✨ Sadly a lot of the ‘full-blooded’ humans look down on Hybrids, and often try to pick out ‘pure’ bloodlines to ensure the species. However with how prevalent Hybrids are they the world as become fairly forgiving and accommodating towards them, and they just want to be understood by the humans. 

✨ UA has had to build the dorms more like miniature apartments, and the students are encouraged (or more often that not just can’t be ousted from the property) during the holidays, when most Ruts start picking up. It’s fairly common for the students to group up and have quick flings to help each other out, but when two students are in a relationship it’s mutually agreed that they’re out of bounds for everyone else. No matter how desperate. 

Now onto the boyos!

KATSUKI BAKUGOU

🔸 Hybrid: Cat

General Head-canons:

🔸 Katsuki would start out very aggressive, often getting into fights or chasing after the other Hybrids he saw as ‘prey’ such as Midoriya, however he never intends to eat them, just make himself to top cat in the dorms.  🔸 His collar has a chain attached, because the teachers rightfully think he’s quick to anger and potentially violent. Katsuki would throw massive furious tantrums about it and tear the collars to bits, until you and Kirishima finally bought him a spiky red leather collar, which is only one he will ever wear. 

🔸 Katsuki loudly proclaims not to care, but when it comes to you he’s always listening. What food do you like? What colour clothes do you like to wear? Is there a new book or game you want? He’ll buy it for you, and proudly present it to you only in private. As soon as you show any thanks he’ll throw it off and hiss and make a scene, but you know he’s blushing internally. 

🔸 He sneaks onto your balcony at night, and uses his long claws to deftly pick the lock so he can sneak it and do some tidying and generally neaten your place up. He absolutely denies it, but he adores it when he sees how grateful and surprised you are. After the first you times, you took to leaving your balcony door unlocked for him.  🔸 He is so FLUFFY! Like Persian cat fluffy. Most of him looks human, but he has the softest blonde ears and tail, and the slightest fuzzy patches along the back of his hands, forearms and on his chest. He’s very proud of it, and grooms himself sometimes three times a day. He’s not the biggest fan of showers though, unless you’re in it with him, but then he’s too busy staring at you. 🔸 Seriously though, when it comes to towel drying he fluffs up like a cloud, and it’s so adorable like OH. MY. GOSH! 💕😘😊 He pouts though. A lot. He’d much rather use his tongue but he hates getting fur in his mouth. You though...you could use your tongue. Pretty please?? 🔸 When it’s just the two of you, he’s a lot sweeter. He loves cooking for you, but it’ll always be spicy. He adores spicy food, or sparring with his best friend Kiri right in front of you to prove that he’s the strongest. As soon as it’s over though he’ll tackle you onto the couch and either curl up in your lap, contently prideful, or sulkily flicking his tail and internally begging for his ears to be rubbed.  🔸 He loves cuddling you, but he demands to be the big spoon, or to flop on top of you with his face resting on your chest, or in your stomach. He purrs really loud, and it’s reserved ONLY for you.  🔸 Katsuki is possessive AF. He hates smelling any other Hybrids on you, and will immediately throw you onto the bed and make sure it’s only his scent that’s on you. He’ll literally stand in the hallways and hiss at any other guys that brush past you accidentally, or on purpose. He knows you’re gorgeous, and he wants everyone else to be jealous of him.  🔸 Katsuki is a consent king. He would hate to hurt you at all, but he would absolutely play up the rough predator prey dynamic even when he just wants cuddles.

🔸 Some of Kitty Katsuki���s favourite things; Spicy food, knitted blankets, the red spiked collar, watching cooking shows, balls of yarn (only black or red though, he’s picky). 

Spicy Head-canons 🌶🌶🌶:

🔸 Katsuki gets super irritable to everyone other than you when he’s in a Rut. Part of him hates feeling so pent up and needy, but part of him also likes it, and it never ceases to surprise you when he actually says ‘please’. 🔸 Whilst he doesn’t really have a breeding kink, he simply HAS to claim every part of your body, cover you in his scent and make sure after all is said and done everyone sees the bite marks and sheepish blush on your face. 

🔸 He gets restless too, the longer it goes on. For the first few days he’ll hide it, merely getting snappy at people, but his hands and eyes will wander, and he’ll be lowly growling in your ears trying his best to sound casual. He’ll shiver whenever you’re near him though, and he’ll quickly disappear to the bathroom for a decent length of time until finally he can’t control himself anymore. He NEEDS to be in you, to feel you, to claim you as his. He’s aching, his body is dripping with the desperate desire to be in you and he’s almost incoherent as he half begs half demands that you take your clothes off before he does it for you.  🔸 He’s loud, and he gets even more turned on when in a Rut if you are as well. Scream his name because it gets him near feverish in the moment. He doesn’t care if he fills you or not, anywhere is good enough. Across your chest and he may just lap it up himself before making out with you. 🔸 One lengthy round is enough for one Rut, but it’s gotta be hours worth to truly satisfy him. Afterwards he’ll bundle you up in his arms and tell you how good you were, and that you’re his Princess. Trust me though you’ll need the aftercare he’s ready to shower you with, you’ll be sore all over. 

IZUKU MIDORIYA

🔹 Hybrid: Bunny

General Head-canons:

🔹 When you first meet Deku, he’s extremely skittish, often thumping his foot loudly and dashing away whenever anyone got too close or too loud. However once he’s made a couple friends, most of his foot thumps are when he’s excited or geeking out over something.  🔹 He has a soft spot for tinier Hybrids, but his reaction to bigger tougher species is very different depending on A- his mood, and B- personality type. Especially for taller, louder females, he has the level of relationship verging on mommy issues. He’s way more competitive with the other guys though, standing a little out of place being the long eared bunny boy amongst the predator Hybrids.  🔹 His ears are almost too long for him, flopping over adorably whenever he tilts his head. It’s enough to make anyone squeal over him. He’s so heckin cute! 🔹 He rambles a lot, and doesn’t mind if you zone out he just wants to express his excitement about whatever he’s learned today. He especially likes it if he’s curled up under a soft blanket with you.  🔹 Bunny Deku likes things tidy. He loves going around organising things or just cleaning up a room, and he’ll thump his feet happily when you praise him before dashing in for a cuddle. He’s strong though, and loves proving it by lifting you up off the floor and spinning you in a circle. 🔹 He loves the rain, prefers it to showers, but loves bubble baths. He’ll often watch a documentary or listen to music, humming along to the songs. If you pop in to see how he’s going he’ll disappear into the bubbles, blushing furiously, but he actually really likes it when you come to check on him because it makes him feel loved and cared about. He’ll do the same to you as well, waking up once or twice in the night to make sure you’re okay, or popping into a room if you’ve been there a long time. Just to grace you with his bright wide eyed smile and ask if he can do anything to help.

🔹 He does get a little self conscious about the fuzzy patch of light fur along his arms and legs, but he’s super proud of his delightfully poofy cotton tail. When you tell him he’s handsome he’ll do a happy dance and shower you with kisses and little nose rubs. (I’m dying of cuteness imagining it! 💕😘)

🔹 Deku loves parading you to and from bed when you’ll allow him to, likes you feeling his sturdy pecs through his shirt. He works hard to keep his body fit, and will go for jogs at dawn or dusk depending on whether or not you want a quiet night.  🔹 He’s a very attentive boyfriend, and with his bunny ears he’s always listening out to see what you need, or if anyone is talking smack about you, or is into you. If either of those happen he’s not a happy bun at all, and will call them out publicly. Everyone else in 1A think you’re a cute couple, and he’s super happy whenever he hears that.  🔹 He’s a mama’s boy, and she loves you too. Honestly all she wants is to not have a hundred grandkids, praying that your genes outweigh his bunny ones. You’ve heard her say so many a time, and Deku blushes bright red whenever she does. 🔹 Some of Bunny Deku’s favourite things; being outside, watching cartoons, All Might (the famous bunny hero himself!), bubble baths.  Spicy Head-canons 🌶🌶🌶:

🔹 Deku doesn’t at all like being in a Rut. He knows he has a terribly strong breeding kink, he can’t help but imagine you with a belly full of kits, and it gets him all riled up and whiny. He’ll lock himself in his room and even sometimes have Katsuki on watch to make sure he doesn’t make a dash for you in public.  🔹 He’s almost desperate when he finally gets to be in you, quick and breathless and begging for more. He needs it, because his body aches to know end and his little bunny brain is screaming for him to fill you up and keep you like that to ensure he gets to see that cute round belly full of baby bunnies. It’s why he gets so embarrassed whenever his mother will tease him. Don’t be surprised that he’ll need a few rounds to calm him down to the point of even being logical. Lucky Kacchan’s there to knock some sense into him, sometimes literally.  🔹 From day one there’s a massive shift. The usually cheerful Deku is near tearful with desperation, and he needs all of your attention, needs to be touching you all the time. Sometimes it scares him, and he hates feeling like he’s forcing himself on you even when you comfort him and tell him it’s okay, and he tries to stay as sleepy as possible so it’s all cuddles and he doesn’t have to feel his body betray him, constantly dripping, as desperately horny as his brain.  🔹 He really likes suckling though, whether or not he’s in a Rut. He just loves running his tongue over your nipples, it’s comforting to him.  🔹 He also switches from having major mommy issues to being dominant and needing to take charge. When he’s dominant he needs to nip and bite at your shoulders, he has to hear you tell him that you’re his and nobody else’s. When he’s submissive he’ll whine out for you to touch him, to milk him dry as many rounds as he can until he’s exhausted. It’s the worst in spring, and that’s when Shoto, Iida or Kacchan are basically on watch 24/7 for the first few days. Don’t worry too much about him though, he’s not shy about resorting to using pictures of you, or his imagination and the torn apart pillows that you both annually end up having to replace. 

SHOTO TODOROKI

🔸 Hybrid: Exotic Cat (think Bengal cat)

General Head-canons:

🔸 Shoto’s father was one of those ‘elitist’ humans who went looking for a woman with a pure bloodline. Shoto still finds satisfaction in the fact that his maternal grandmother was a Cat Hybrid, and the gene resurfaced with all the Todoroki sons, with only Fuyumi as the only girl missing out. He’s even more happy that he isn’t anything rare like a Snow Leopard, even if he resembles a more expensive feline breed. He looks mostly human though, apart from the tail and ears and longer claws than some of his friends. His eyes are human though, without the slit pupils.  🔸 He lives full time at UA, tired of the way his father pushes Fuyumi to treat him and his brother like pets not siblings. Maybe that’s why Touya left, Shoto isn’t sure. He’ll visit his mom though, a lot, because he’s inexperienced in love, as well as the ways of a Cat Hybrid, and wants to be the best boyfriend he can be. 

🔸 Most of the time he’s quiet, regal, and keeps to himself, but Shoto is very, VERY protective of you. If he’s not right by your side, he’s within visual distance of you whenever you’ll allow it. He will downright hiss at anyone trying to mess with his perfect baby. 

🔸 He’s super smart, but a little clueless at certain things, so Midoriya or more often than not, Kaminari, will explain stuff to him. He has this natural ability to pick up things very quickly, and this surprised everyone including himself. He just sorta picks it up and its phenomenal.   🔸 Shoto downright adores getting to curl up with you, tail around your waist, whispering praise and sweet nothings into your ears. His kisses are just as sweet, a quick peck followed by an adorable blep and quick lip across the same place he just kissed. He likes scenting you casually within view of his friends, he gets a kick out of it.  🔸 He has a cheeky streak, and will steal items of your clothing to keep with him so your scent is always nearby. He’ll hold your hand in public, and rather aloofly ignore other women. He likes his classmates though, and will do his best to help them study so long as you’re there to look at. You’re so beautiful, he just wants to admire you. 

🔸 Shoto prefers any more intimate behaviours to happen in private, even just making out. He’ll always make the first move, and ask in a velvet voice that’s impossible to resist. He has pet names galore for you, but has definite favourites; Baby, Love, Snowflake, Sweetheart, just to name a few. When you do make the first move on rare occasions, it stuns him, and then he’ll blush madly and hide his beaming face.  🔸 Enjoys playing up the predator prey dynamic when it comes to intimacy, but is fairly laid back and romantic with it. 

🔸 Doesn’t know how to cook many things, but loves soba. If you make it for him he’ll follow you around for hours, purring and wanting to touch and hold you in thanks. He also loves sharing baths, he thinks you look cute covered in bubbles or when he can wash your hair in the shower for you. 

🔸 Some of Kitty Shoto’s favourite things; soba, late night cuddling, sharing food or experiences with you, a small All Might plush that you found hidden under his pillow. 

Spicy Head-canons 🌶🌶🌶:

🔸 Shoto can feel himself entering a rut, and his brain switches fully into prowling predator mode. He’s aching inside, but he wants to hide it, make it game and truly earn it when you catches you. The heart pumping chases throughout the dorms is enough to have any of the other feline classmates hiding themselves away, they know well enough to leave Shoto to the hunt.  🔸 He’ll be half growling half purring when he finally gets to you, his eyes hungry but too polite to tear you to shreds before you’re ready for him. He’ll beg for you to let him inside, let him claim you, let him do whatever it he needs to in order to quell the burning inside him. 

🔸 He’s loud as well, half yowling one of your name nickname as he thrusts as deep as his considering length can get inside you. As a Todoroki, of course he has a breeding kink, but he also has enough self control to switch things up to prevent him filling you if that isn’t what you’re feeling that day. He loves it though, loves watching your face, loves seeing you filled up. It’s the edge of heaven for him, and he isn’t shy to let you know that.  🔸 A couple rounds is all he needs, then he’s good, but almost every day of his Rut you’ll see the burning in his eyes, his hungry desire. Everyone else can see it too, but they don’t bring it up because he’d get incredibly sheepish. He can control himself enough to not be a dripping mess, but it takes a lot of composure and sometimes he’ll be a man of even fewer words during the day.  🔸 He prefers intimacy at night or in the evening, and sometimes in the shower if you let him. Otherwise he’ll just be a loving, purring heap of red and white sleek fur in your bed, ready to shower you in expensive gifts for putting up with yet another Rut. 

EIJIRO KIRISHIMA

🔹 Hybrid: Dog

General Head-canons:

🔹 Eijiro is the big energy brother to so many of the class. He’s enthusiastic, playful, a little ditzy, but protective and kind with bucket loads of advice and positive mental health to provide.  🔹 Though his ears and tail are black, he dyes his hair red because it reminds him of his favourite hybrid hero. He’s a little jealous he isn’t part shark, but he also loves being the bundle of love that he is, especially for you.

🔹 He may have a little motley crew of friends, but you are his everything, his world, his galaxy, his universe! If he can be helpful, just give him the instructions and then he’s off and running to do as good a job he can so you’ll praise him. He LOVES praise, he thrives off it, and gets a visible pep in his step when you call him a ‘Good Boy’ or especially a ‘Manly Pup’. 

🔹 Whilst Eijiro likes reading, he’s not the most attentive in class. He’d rather run around outside, testing his metal against the other students, or go teach the younger Hybrids useful skills such as gardening or writing. If you recommend a book to him however, he’ll sit in a corner of a garden or park and read it for as long as you’ll let him before coming back to the dorms. 

🔹 He has a MASSIVE appetite, but tries not to look greedy. Luckily you, Katsuki and the other people who cook in class know to make big portions, cause they’ll never be left overs with Eijiro around!

🔹 He prides himself on looking well kept for you, and beams if you wear his hoodies in public. He loves the look on other guys faces when they can smell his scent on you without him getting worked up and overstimulated, because by god does he get overstimulated. 

🔹 Touch is something Eijiro dreams of, to have your body against him, or even just hold your hand. He has to hold himself back from licking you all over, but the tongue kisses are DIVINE with him. It’s a bit longer than normal, and a little wider, but it’s always a pleasant surprise when his excitedly voice trips into a bark and he pounces on you for a make out session. 

🔹 He gets very hot and bothered when you’re flirty, his body instantly kicking into animal instinct mode. His brain will get fuzzy and all he can think of is him, in you, and then PUPPIES. Not even the round pregnancy belly, just the idea of him being a dad. 

🔹 Some of Puppy Eijiro’s favourite things; gardens, good books, playing sports, praise. 

Spicy Head-canons 🌶🌶🌶:

🔹 Like I mentioned, he gets very riled up from touch, but when he’s in a Rut it’s almost unbearable. He’ll be very whiny but not want to seem annoying, but his whole body is aching and dripping and every second he just wants to feel you. 

🔹He loves both giving and receiving oral. He prides himself on his long tongue and the moans you make send him into overdrive and before you know it he’s inside you, desperate to fill every inch of you again and again because his animal brain demands he has puppies. He’ll feel bad and apologise after every Rut, but he knows deep down you love him no matter what.  🔹 Unsurprisingly he has a slight breeding kink, and also a praise kink. On the days he can’t see you he’ll disappear into the shower again and again, always in a change of clothes, telling himself he’s a good boy just so he feels praised. 

🔹 He’ll steal your panties when in a Rut, basically anything that smells like you, half ashamed as he’s desperately trying to deal with the feelings. He’ll be an laundry duty for the next week, and you know why but you love him too much to say anything. 

🔹 He likes to switch up positions between a handful of favourites. Doggy style is surprisingly second to when you ride him and he can fully lose himself, yipping and crying out your name until he’s got nothing left. 

DENKI KAMINARI

🔸Hybrid: Tanuki (I’ve not seen this anywhere else, and I’m lowkey surprised!)

General Head-canons:

🔸 Denki is a little ditzy, full of energy, and well loved (well... tolerated) by most of his classmates. He’s cheeky, and a bit of a prankster, but also self confident and athletic. When you first met him he instantly tried to make a move by stealing your stuff until you came looking, then he came clean and bluntly said you were hot. 

🔸 Denki lives to make you feel like a QUEEN. He’ll play imaginary trumpets when you enter a crowded room and always be at your beck and call. He loves telling you how beautiful you look or just praising the fact you exist.

🔸 He’s not shy about affection, but plays it up casually otherwise he gets very awkward, nervous laughter and everything. He’ll kiss your cheeks and nose in public whenever he can, then whisper a quick request for more cuddles later.  🔸 He loves cuddling up with you with popcorn and watching scary movies. Pulling you into his lap so he can protect you makes him blush with pride, and then blush as he often gets a little turned on if you accidentally nudge him.  🔸 Not overly horny or desperate outside of a Rut, Denki still enjoys his time with you, especially on special occasions, or any occasion. Did you pass a test? He’ll cuddle and kiss you for hours. Did you fail a test? Same deal, you tried your best! 🔸 He wears slightly baggy pants, because as you found out, Tanuki’s are generously endowed, and he doesn’t want anyone but you seeing.  🔸 If you point out a cute woman or man or person  to him, Denki will happily look over and appreciate them with you. He’s not afraid to be honest about what he finds attractive, because then the two of you can adopt little style habits or ideas for roleplaying if you ever feel in the mood to do so. 

🔸 He’s thought about being a dad before, but it doesn’t get him worked out. He just hopes one day he can dote on you even more while you’re pregnant and then help you raise a little life or two together. He also likes filming videos of the two of you dancing, Mina put him up to it cause she thinks its cute. 

🔸 Some of Tanuki Denki’s favourite things; making fun dance videos, scary movies, innocent-ish pranks. 

Spicy Head-canons 🌶🌶🌶: 🔸 Denki’s big, and he prides himself on it, but always takes care to be gentle at first. The eye flutters and moans you make are the perfect encouragement. You deserve this love, and he’s gonna make you feel so so good! 🔸 He loves switching whose the dom and sub, and especially loves it when he can suckle you. Something about it makes him giddy with excitement, and gets him really really turned on at the same time.  🔸 When he’s in a Rut he gets a massive spike in nervous energy, and is itching to touch you, or even just see you undressed. He doesn’t care if he has to get on his knees and beg, or if you simply strip down and watch him. He just really really wants to get the aching out of his body. 

🔸 His hands wander, definitely, even in public if he’s in a Rut. He’ll either find an excuse to disappear into the dorms or get back there just so he can spent the next few hours fucking your brains out, or getting sucked off. Either works for Denki he’s just eager to be physical with you. 

🔸 He especially likes when all the messy, wild fun is over, that you’re covered in his seed and he can then treat you to a warm bath or shower and then massage you lovingly all over. He loves getting massages as well, and says it’s the perfect way to destress and unwind to help him get through a Rut quicker. 

🔸 Denki really does seem to have a kink for finishing all over you, collar bone, chest, stomach, back...he likes it, and more often than not it’ll lead to another few rounds. He’ll have that shower ready in a flash though, don’t you worry!

There we go! If you want to see some more UA students (mostly 1A please), then let me know and I’ll write up a part two. I already have some ideas for Jirou and Yaoyorozu. Hope you enjoyed my return to Tumblr. I have a QUOTEV account too where I’m writing a Todoroki x OC fanfiction. Check out Freelance if you are into that sorta thing. 

-Till next time!

[cazzyf1]

My favourite quotes and facts from "Wolfgang Graf Berghe von Trips - Biographie von Reinold Louis'

Warning: I've been translating this book from German to English as I read and took down notes, so some of the quotes are not grammatically correct or sound off due to the translator

• He believed in God

• His mother nicknamed him 'Little Wolf'

• Up until age six Wolfgang von Trips grew up alone away from children, so when he first went to school with others he was beaten by mean kids as he didn't know how to interact around them

• "I was never beaten. With one exception: when I was said to have lied, which wasn't true. I was always raised to be completely honest and have always followed this. That's why I was incredibly insulted at the time because people didn't believe me and because I felt the punishment was unfair." -p23

• The first time he drove a car on public roads was when he was 14 and out horse riding with his dad. His dad's horse got spoked and his dad fell off and smashed his nose. Wolfgang was unable to keep control of his horse so had to let him go and hope he went back the stable (which he did) while Wolfgang ran home, told his mum what had happened and got a family car out, drove it through the village to his dad and then drove him to the doctors

• "I had to stand in front of this Christmas tree and the nativity scene and recite my Christmas poem: 'I come from deep in the forest, I have to tell you, it's very Christmassy...' The memory of this is very deeply embedded in me. -p26

• Wolfgang was intrested in astronomy but never got the time to look more into it

• He didn't like spinach

• "What I saw of the war back then, what I had to go through myself, affected me very much and, as they say, I literally collapsed and was then sent home." - p34

• "I said that I was once very idealistic and devoted myself to all things that in our country were called war and defense of the fatherland. And now the war was lost. That was actually a complete inner breakdown for me because I simply didn't know where I belonged now." - p37

• "I had never been on a motorcycle before, so I had a crazy fear of the monster. But I dreamed of her and I wanted to take her to bed with me." - p42

• When Wolfgang was at his boarding school with his car, him and his friends would sneak over into the French border in his car and smuggle back wine to drink

• Wolfgang was arrested once in front of the British soilders as he had been trading farm food for tyres with a British soilder but then the British soilder died and some other soldiers discovered the tyres on Wolfgangs car and thought he had stole them

• "First day alone on Kreuzeck then Zugspitze, met 2 girls. Next day Wank. Met the ice revue girls again in the evening. Lived near me. From then on we toured together. Both quite nice. One too sensible. Other fall in love with me. Those were nice days"

• "I don't have a single real friend there either. I socialize like that with everyone, but it's not the right thing. The boys are completely different from here." - P49

• Wolfgang really liked going to the cinema, he saw films like 'The last Veil', 'People from the variety show' and 'Son ein Früchtenchen'

• At his apartment when at school he loved to sleep on his balcony when it was hot

• "It's actually funny, I still don't have a girlfriend, I have to laugh sometimes, and there aren't many sensible girls around either." - p50

• "I'm currently lying in my castle with my head under a deck chair because of the sun, eating crumble cake and drinking Biomaris. The boy is racing around like crazy trying to get to the girls. One of them keeps looking at him challengingly and it drives him completely crazy. I haven't met anyone yet, I'm just lazing around in the area." - p51

• "I haven't been happy with myself for a long time. The swing, the fresh naturalness, etc. have been lost to me here.But I don't want to believe what mom says about vapid selfishness. I defend myself against it. Must be different. Self-aggrandizing. I look bad, she says almost every time lately. I'm kind of weird too. Sometimes I don't feel completely healthy. Right now I'm ok." - p65

• Wolfgang von Trips was forced to leave his school as he wasn't doing well in his classes. He could recognise this and knew that he had no motivation for school as it was making him very lazy because he didn't have the energy to do well. All that brought him joy was his motorbike racing that he had started to pick up.

• His was then sent to another school to focus more on agriculture and found the people he was with more interesting than previously

• He didn't always eat well so his parents had it arranged that he could go to a hotel and get food whenever he wanted however when he wanted to buy a car he made a deal with the hotel that he wouldn't eat there anymore in exchange for the money his parents said and the hotel can pretend he was eating there

• "I was really afraid of death when I heard Beethoven's piano sonata op. 111" - p85

• "And then I'm so tense, kind of nervous. It's also because I deal with too many people and this causes me to tear myself apart. I don't have a steady girlfriend, sometimes I flirt with Erika Perps, then I'm with Erika Nies and Birgitta, I keep an iron in the fire everywhere and yet I'm not really friends with anyone" - p88

• "I'm not okay. I think Rosa likes me. It's a strange relationship between us. Somehow I know she's not right for me. I like her a lot and it's also very practical, but I've been looking for something else for a long time, but I don't have the energy to, firstly, get away from it and, secondly, to find a really nice, lovely girl who I like and who has something It requires striving for something more formed and more stable. Well, let's see how everything goes. I already had an unpleasant thing with my mother because of it. She spoke to Rosa's mother about us and this trivial matter turned into an embarrassingly stupid one because this one comment about her son-in-law was made to Heinz who told me about it. I stupidly raged at mom and now she snapped. Well, okay again now. Firstly, it's embarrassing for me and secondly, I definitely don't want anyone to say or suspect anything about Rosa and me in any circles. I wouldn't be happy with that." - p91

• "Unfortunately, I'm afraid of feelings and can't live them out or give myself up to surrender to them. I'm not honest with myself. Even with girls. I always played, never admitted my feelings, not even to Mira or to myself. Erika and Rosa now live together. Is it better for me? Erika is a lovely guy, I like him very much. Had some wine and liqueur last night. Was one with Rosa an hour alone in the room. Usual scuffle, she was very soft and had tears in her eyes as I tormented her with words. I like them, that's very clear, but somehow I have an obstacle. I'm almost afraid to bring about a discussion, an understanding, because then I no longer feel free and I don't want to commit myself under any circumstances, especially not in this case. It would be nice to simply like a person and know that they like you and to have mutual understanding and a feeling of togetherness. Then again I think it wasn't real with her and I'm too ashamed to reveal myself. But it's just the way it is, when you're intimate with a person, something has to say about whether you want to overcome me and I have it here or not. (Just writing this down now costs the fear of saying too much. But that also depends on the object.) Oh, what I would give for the moment when I could write affirmatively with all my heart here in this book "I'm in love" to show myself like that to people and calmly to the world around me. I'm sure I have these feelings now too, and sometimes I'm quite happy when I'm with her. But it annoys me that there is no one else where, as I said, I could freely admit it." - p94

• "The last few days have been completely under the influence of Marlene, my entire day thinking only revolved around her. Especially when I'm alone, I torment myself with the idea of ​​having to leave in a few days and then not seeing her again. I've never experienced anything like that in my life and I'm completely blown away. When I'm with her it's a little different, you don't think like that. But it's true that I love her very much. I've never seen a girl like that before, she's pretty much what I dreamed of, a real young, completely untouched girl. Think she loves me too. Went with her last night to the fireworks in a neighboring town (with her sister, her fiancé and an Englishman who, unfortunately, he was visiting her). I was able to curl up and walk along the bank with her. I could barely hold a conversation, it was strange. I always have the specter of never seeing her again and I'm just different in everything when I'm with her. There are no words to describe what it was like, I can only state the facts, not the feeling. Maybe later I'll remember how I suddenly took her in my arms and kissed her, not on the mouth. I took it easy for a moment and I've never seen a girl feel like that. Think it was her first hug. God, I want to capture all of this, but when I think about yesterday and read it now... You can't express it in a few words. was as if they were together men would sink. I don't know, she became very soft and walked completely differently without any support. I would have loved to tease her. Had to go back soon. She kept saying “you” to me. I asked her if she would like to have me. She evaded the fact that I would soon be leading. But she said that until now she had raved and was happy with a few boys and now that she had met me something had torn inside her. Have to ask her again what she means by that. Maybe things will actually get better once I'm gone. But now I have a fear of the descent that doesn't leave me alone all day long. This afternoon I lay in my bed and cried like a little girl. Child. Baseless. Then I slept a bit and then went for a swim, but always brooding and longing for Marlene. On Friday I was in Friborg with her and the really nice Englishman (I could kill him) in a '50 Pontiac Hydromatic. It cost me 150 francs, but I was with her. Sometimes she looks at you. I notice I'm going crazy, will it be over soon? Don't think so. It's pretty deep, but what should I do? Hopefully I can get her alone again, it's not easy. I never thought something like this could happen to me. I'd better stop writing, it'll all come out of one thing. I'm in love, I'm loved too, but what's the use? Lausanne-Cologne-Benefeld is too far, hopefully I'll probably get over it soon and so will she, the little one. But one more thing as a fact: I don't smoke anymore and not as long as I have my love for her. Hold on too, I know that..." - p98/99

• "I just have times when I have no vitality, I don't do anything, I'm tired and I see everything as if through a veil, I can't find an excuse for anything and I completely lose connection with the past and the future. By that I mean that all plans are forgotten and nothing is carried out what was planned. That nothing is planned for the future and that all further thoughts are no longer there, there is nothing that could give me a boost. Then the picture suddenly changes. You remember the good streak again, pick up old plans, make new ones, feel good and just have it no longer have these dragging feelings like before, is somehow freer, as if freed from a nightmare and can do something. I just want to know how this is connected, whether it's purely physical in nature is or whatever comes into" - p112

• Wolfgang would feel very depressed being back at home after he finished school. He felt trapped and being alone without any young friends was tough on him.

• Wolfgang has commitment issues and he found it hard announcing it to the world his feelings and that he is intrested in someone. Instead he preferred to hide it all.

• Wolfgang found it hard to figure out if what he felt towards a woman was love or infatuation. He would have sex with the girls he knew but was very hesitant to have relationships. His feelings would change quickly and he could quickly loose intrest. He did love Rosa a bit but not to the extent that she loved him

• He tried to quit smoking a few times but it would always come back

• "I actually like dancing, not very well, but I like it. I really like jazz music gladly. I also like classical music, thanks to my mother. My mother has a very great understanding of music. She used to play the piano herself, almost to the point where she was ready for a concert, and that's why we often had it in our house good music, piano concerts and stuff, heard. I was exposed to jazz music through the colored Americans with whom I had these discussions. They often played their records during the day and told me a lot about jazz." - p121

• "The days with Marlene in Heidelberg and Stuttgart were nice, but they could no longer be what being with the girl meant to me back in Switzerland. I was really in love then, but now I saw a lot of things with different eyes. Maybe my whole inner hollowness and apathy is partly to blame, but mainly the fact that the charm of the unspoken and very tender, unconscious and, to me, so foreign way of approaching and communicating with a girl doesn't mean anything under normal circumstances is extraordinary and therefore only the appeal of the real A very touching and very delicately hinted caress remains." - p121/122

• "then the moment comes when I'm standing on the street in Cologne and see the buyer driving away on my motorcycle, my R 51. My motorcycle, which carried me through the years, which was, so to speak, my everything, with which I drove to all my events and visited my girlfriend! This piece of my life was suddenly taken away by someone else! Then my world collapsed inside me, it was terrible, I stood there and wanted to cry" - p136

• "Wolfgang has a lot of self-doubt during this phase. He simply lacks a conversation partner with whom he can exchange ideas, who can inspire him or who can provide him with assistance in some other way. He often sits alone in his second room in Brühl and sees writing letters as the only way to express his thoughts" - p138

• "I sometimes see myself as the offspring of a rich family who races in his youth and has no idea about anything and no more money when he gets old. I dont want that...I still have to learn something, but I can't stop driving, I'm too invested in it." - p144

• "As I turned more and more to the car, this began to fade because I suddenly had something else on the side that I hadn't had before. She actually gave us the impetus, as they say, to break things off. Of course, I initially rejected this. Then, when she noticed that I was slipping more and more into this car atmosphere, I wrote She told me that it would be better if we separated so that we wouldn't destroy our beautiful memories too. It can no longer be the way it was anyway. All of this went through my head again when I didn't turn right as usual, but instead stayed on the motorway and continued driving. That was a moment I will never forget because it was probably the final crossroads. But at that moment I also realized that from now on a new life will begin for me and that everything will somehow be completely different. Actually, I was kind of happy about it. It was something new and I really threw myself into it and dedicated my heart and soul to this driving." - p146

• ">Ovo con salato - that was the first Italian I heard and that I wrote it down in my diary, and I always remember this “ovo con salato” fondly. So we all ate egg and salad and then it was time to go to our hotel, the address of which had been written down for us and which was in Gardone Val frompia. That was such a nice sounding word and I thought it was so great, that I constantly said it to myself, yes I had to say it because I often said it afterwards had to ask for directions. >Excuse me, where to Gardone Val Trompia? I had to learn this sentence by heart that evening and yet everything was so great for me that I hardly slept the rest of the night because of my excitement." - p147

• "But what moved me the most was the fact that I, who only had a shirt and trousers to wear, received a white overall from the Porsche mechanics with the words “Porsche” clearly visible on the back. That was really great for me" - p148

• "Helmut is very excited: Your parents are standing back there, I think they've already recognized me. What we do?" So I turn around very carefully and I see my mother with the binoculars, looking right at me. So there was nothing to be done and so I half a good face made the bad game and waved. She then waved and I went over to her to the delight of the audience in the stands who were watching everything. I found a place with my parents and from the stands watched the race for the “European Grand Prix,” which Juan Manuel Fangio won in the new Mercedes-Benz. I don't remember much else because the big races were at that time outside of my sphere of interest" - p157

• "When he took part in motorcycle competitions as one of the "three wild pigs", Rolf Clasen's wife always packed an extra package of sandwiches "ur da Jung" in his storage bag. And after he switched to a pumped Porsche, his sports mates Friedrich Victor H and Hans Lappe supplied him with food during racing events and the cook at eese Rolff often opened her pantry in the evenings when Wolfgang was on his way home" - p167

• "'Well, boy, now listen. You are now the young guy in the racing team and maybe you are even faster than Karl Kling. But it's certainly more intelligent if you stay behind him, because he's the big driver now, and since he wants to step down soon, it would certainly be better and so...” And so on. There I stood, a little embarrassed and didn't know how to behave" - p185

• "Then I was allowed to drive three laps and get out again. I was never told what times I achieved. Nobody cared about me. There was not a word of recognition, no advice or criticism. Nothing came, nothing at all and, to be honest, I was very embarrassed. Only one person took the time to talk to me and that was Juan Manuel Fangio. We didn't have a common language, but his comradely care for me, a newcomer, was evident in every gesture he made and in every word he spoke, which I mostly only partially understood. I never forgot that, even in later years when I was more firmly in the saddle and had found my own way, and I believe that there is no better way to carry and preserve the memory of the great man and racing driver Fangio than trying to emulate him in every way. Looking back, I don't want to blame anyone, because before this race everyone had to deal with themselves. It was quite a burden and I also had to master this car at speeds that were completely unknown to me up to that point" - p191

• Wolfgang experiences Christmas and the New Year on the high seas. Peter Collins is not only an ideal travel companion for him, but he is active also with great success as an entertainer for the passengers. If he his When stories are told about racing cars, the slopes and colleagues, those standing by listen, fascinated and mostly smiling. The ship is anchored in Montevideo for two days because the cargo has to be unloaded. After an afternoon stroll through the city, two passengers are missing: Peter Collins and a young Brazilian woman who got on in Rio. Excitement on board, especially with Wolfgang. The ship finally sets off half an hour late. Peter suddenly appears from the crowd on land collins at a stretched trot, holding the girl by the hand. Wolfgang has his film camera at hand and captures this scene. Collins gesticulates to find someone who is chasing the dwindling steamer with him and the girl in an ancient tucker boat. Hundreds Pairs of eyes follow the maneuver from the deck. The ship has to hey and shorten the distance. Sailors have already started down a gangway. The “pursuers” found it difficult to keep up with Taempo, but that made little sense because the distance was increasing instead of decreasing. Wolfgang rushes to the captain with two other passengers. When the command "Slow speed ahead" got to the engine room, the Boce got them. The two of them climbed on board with embarrassed faces. A nice spat from the captain follows and Collins, who was wrong about the time, falls out of favor with the passengers." - p229/230

• "An English friend Peter Collins dispelled all my doubts and persuaded me. I also have him to thank for the fact that my first racing adventure in a formula car ended well." - p231

• "I was amazed at the endless patience of Peter Collins, who came to me after every lap and told me what I had done wrong" - p232

• "I stood there closed my eyes, thought of an extreme curve and mentally performed everything that I had tried in vain to master during training. >Approach the curve, brake carefully, let it slide away, not too much, accelerate. How many times have I repeated this and muttered it to myself, rehearsed it in my head? I don't know it. Anyway, Mike Hawthorn poked me in the ribs and asked: >What about you? Are you crazy?<" - p232

• "Finally he arrived, and sure enough, he rolled up to the pits. I can't remember why I already had my helmet on and my gloves on, but that's how it was. All I had to do was get in the car and drive off. Nevertheless, my throat almost constricted with excitement. Galt. Maybe Collins' stay in the pits isn't mine at all? Then he waved to me. I couldn't believe he meant me and looked around for Mike Hawthorn, who was standing nearby. But Mike acted as if it was none of his business, even though it would have been his turn if Peter Collins had wanted to get out.. 'Come on, get away,' Collins said to me as he got up from the cockpit, and Icha was in the Formula 1 car faster than I had hoped and dreamed." - p233

• "I felt an exhilarating feeling because I knew that I had joined the circle of Grand Prix drivers and was accepted. But I also knew that I still needed a lot to become a master like my friend Peter Collins, who had selflessly given me a chance." - p233

• "Wolfgang races over a bumpy railway crossing.The car jumps almost a meter high and Wolfgang's provisions are thrown out. Now he only has his pocket supply of glucose at his disposal. And it runs out quickly. Wolfgang's physical strength dwindles, his concentration wanes, he becomes slower." - p240

• Enzo Ferrari definitely should have cut off Wolfgang's beard after this sensational placement. Because the Commendatore made Wolfgang's entry subject to the condition that if he placed from third place upwards, Wolfgang's memory of the Nürburgring accident would have to fall victim to the scissors. At the finish, however, Enzo Ferrari generously waived the agreement and so the "goatee" still adorns Wolfgang's chin when he is a guest at the Frankfurt Motor Show in October and is there for the press. dien poses. Huschke von Hanstein then had a brilliant idea. And so it happens that Wolfgang appears at the exhibition in the morning with a beard and in the afternoon, in a different wardrobe, shows up without a beard and asks an industrial boss, who rubs his eyes in surprise, whether he hasn't seen his brother." - p249

• "You talk about shifting your values ​​- I think that's only partly true. You already have the ability to love within you - but, I think, over time you have simply forgotten how to properly analyze your feelings. And so you have deceived people. I bet it's women who accuse you of callousness and coldness, women who hoped you would do things and do things that Dua can't do, for the one reason that your whole 'I', your whole life, your longing and suffering has a motto that doesn't tolerate rivals or secondary feelings: racing - you're a man possessed somewhere, that's not good because you're sacrificing too much, putting too much into one thing." - a letter sent to Wolfgang from a friend, p 271

• "Wolfgang makes garden plans, he “dusts off” the castle. His mother, a great supporter of natural medicine, keeps dozens of types of tea in a cupboard, almost all of which are so old that there is only tea dust in the boxes and bags. This is a thorn in Wolfgang's side and when his mother is absent again, he removes all the teas from the cupboard, buys a new cupboard and fills it with freshly bought tea herbs. His secretary's horrified question, 'Is this okay? he answers in his own way: >I want to tell you one thing, Ms. Floßdorf. If my mother finds out and I'm still here, I'll be hanging from a tree. But you’re right next to it!” »Me, why me? >You didn't stop it and you didn't tell my mother!" - p278

• "He, who has always gotten along well with Mike, finds this way of dying particularly tragic. A few days later he also expressed his condolences to Enzo Ferrari" - p178

• Count Crashes is what the English dubbed him after his spectacular fall into the rose bush at Monza. The aura of “Graf Bruchs” preceded him to the USA. But the Americans give it a different name: they call it Tattys respectfully and this name was first used by immigrants from Wales to describe people who, because of their courage and fearlessness, were exemplary and outstanding in the settlement of the former “Wild West”. were. Taffy, that's what most of his racing colleagues call him, is what journalists in newspapers, magazines and radio stations call him. And "Taffys is a popular and skillful interview partner and when his bright and bold boyish face with his lively gray eyes flashes across the American television stations in the bungalows, palaces, apartments, living rooms and even slums and he speaks easily in a bright voice, answers easily, even downright effervescently, then many a “lady” or “mommy” looks at the television screen with interest and fascination and lets the cooking pot be the cooking pot or the ice in the whiskey glass melting. Even after races, when only the stripes around his eyes are white because his racing goggles have kept away the dirt that has been swirling up over many hours, when his face is smeared and his hair is sticky with sweat, his entire appearance still reminds you of you Aristocrats and in his verve Robert Redford, who is already at the top of women's favor" - p 280

• "Wolfgang, who has been looking after young talent in motorsports for some time and always strives to get young athletes off the road and onto the safe airfield racing tracks for many people in the clubs." - p293

• 'Elfriede Floßdorf constantly supplies the beautiful Sicilian from Horem with “Muesli à la Wolfgang”, made from oat flakes, fresh fruits and honey from Hemmersbach production. When visiting Catania, Wolfgang can rely on a well-loved and familiar meal thanks to the care and provision of his secretary. Whenever possible, Wolfgang prefers "his" muesli to any other meal and when there are races in Spa-Francorchamps, the Nürburgring or Hockenheim, Elfriede is always there with fresh muesli to please the "Mr. Count" - like her yourself always expressed to seekers - to keep them strong and happy. His muesli also gives Wolfgang the strength he needs in the 1000 km race at the Nürburgring." - p295

• "When his parents are absent for a long period of time, he "makes a point of doing things." In the absence of a key to the room, which can only be accessed from the outside, he simply breaks a window and gains access. Then we tidy up, clear out and rearrange and finally a beautiful room is created that, after breaking through the door, can now be accessed directly from the castle" - p295

• "A second telephone is right next to her bed, because Wolfgang has the habit of calling almost always and from everywhere, just like that ask questions and give instructions. His many starts and trips in South and North America and later in South Africa mean that most of the calls come at night. When the phone rings on Parkstrasse in Horrem after midnight and Elfriede Floßdorf answers, his recurring question is also a greeting: "Have you slept yet?" - p313

• "Wolfgang is one of the witnesses and at the wedding banquet in the "Stallmästergarden" he has the Swedish Princess Birgitta as his table lady. This doesn't catch him unprepared, because Joakim has prepared him for it: "You will be Princess Birgitta's cavalier and that's why it would be good if your tailcoat, which has been under a lot of wear and tear recently, is thoroughly cleaned up." - p 315

• “They were color films, bright colors, but the most beautiful thing about them was what the young count said about them. It just bubbled out of him, and if these two hours could have been broadcast on television, it would have been one of the best. nest programs that have ever been shown." - p 316

• "But what was most charming was his lovely smile and the lively humor with which he knew how to spice things up without meaning to. You had to like Trips, even though he hasn't become a Fangio or a Caracciola yet." - p 316

• "And I believe that the moment we manage to use a technical object to increase our joy in life, our joy in learning - it takes a lot of learning to master such an instrument - and use it in sporting competition , we are not on the wrong path." - p 330

• To declare the right to want to practice our sport without hostility and defamation. We have to express that we cannot do this in the desired form under the current conditions because we lack events and people are negative, almost hostile, towards us . We have to find ways to exercise that exclude the dangers that motorsport has so far become famous for. We must present clear figures about events in England and America and make it clear that we motorsport enthusiasts are no longer willing to be treated as stepchildren.The event must be held in a representative setting. If possible, all sports and racing vehicles in Germany should be exhibited." - p 335

• "Now guess where I was?” The Floßdorf couple, once again brought out of their sleep by Wolfgang to gain entry to the castle and give him his keys, look puzzled. 1a in South Africa...< says Elfriede and husband Willi wants to add something, but he is interrupted by Wolfgang: »I was with the “good Lord”!” "Where were you?!" I gush about the events of the last few days I celebrated New Year's Eve with the Good Lord. You're amazed, aren't you?" Wolfgang's only joy is that he celebrated the turn of the year with the Aga Khan and many guests in his residence together with Princess Gabrielle of Savoy, whom he greatly admired, daughter of the Italian ex-King Umberto." P337

• "Let me tell you a short episode. I was racing with Fangio in Argentina and Fangio flew out of a corner in front of me due to a driving error. We talked about it afterwards and he said to me: 'Yes, I just made a mistake!< You see, a person like Fangio, who for us and especially for me is the greatest driver of our time, even he can fly out of a curve due to a driving error. For me it was, I would almost say, a great experience because I saw that even a driver as perfect as Fangio is ultimately still a person who constantly has to work harder." - p 343

• "This may sound strange, but I just don't have the energy to shake very many hands, so I usually put my hands in my pockets and just nod my head. So this is not rudeness on my part, just a protective device. Because many people think that I have to say goodbye particularly nicely." - p 366

• "There is a happy and exuberant atmosphere at the evening party. Wolfgang leads his guests through the old moated castle and some of the 45 rooms and shows them the sauna he built himself. Joakim Bonnier knows Hemmersbach almost better than he does at home in Sweden, because he is a guest here, often with his wife, and is always welcome. The guests are impressed by the castle." - p 396

• "The next morning he came for breakfast, we stayed together with small interruptions until the afternoon, swam and while we lay in the garden and enjoyed the sun, I prayed that time would stand still - but the good Lord was not merciful. And Then the moment came when he stood calmly in front of me and told me to keep my ears straight - and his last look, those laughing eyes, comforted me..." - p 399

[shift-shaping]

the rats

solas follows lady volant on her tour of wycome with duke antoine. something is very, very wrong.

rating: t

pairing: solavellan

warnings: blood, canon-typical racism

previous fics | 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19

map of wycome below the cut, with districts explained here

Solas met the Duke of Wycome in humble servant clothes, hands held behind his back, comfortable in his role as an invisible aid to the Inquisition’s ambassador, Lady Guinevere Volant. He didn’t quite have the look of an elven servant, what with his height and broad build, but Enaste’s friend had been right: no one paid much attention to elves regardless of their size. 

The Duke of Wycome looked for all intents and purposes like the Duke of revelry that he claimed to be. He was older, and short, with a rotund body and much more hair in his beard than on his head. His clothing was expensive, extravagant and tailored, the colors rich in the mid-morning sun. He had a booming voice and an even louder laugh, like the master of ceremonies at a grand carnival. He had an odd way of walking, something between a limp and a shuffle, perhaps the result of some prior injury. 

He introduced himself to Lady Volant even though she had told Solas they met before, and his small eyes showed no hint of recognition. Looking at them carefully, his eyes showed little emotion whatsoever: they were unfocused and distant, possibly due to vision loss. He didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, as if he was used to holding something that was no longer there. It gave Solas the impression of a man pretending to be younger and sharper than he was, to the point of foregoing aids like glasses and a cane, presumably to seem more capable in front of his Inquisition allies.

Six armed guards accompanied him, a decidedly large retinue for a city tour, and like Lady Volant, an elven servant hovered behind him. The servant was a short young man, almost unnaturally thin, and wearing what was obviously a wig. The black locks were so long they covered the servant’s neck and shoulders, and the heaviness of the wig made Solas uncomfortably warm looking at it. The day before, with Enaste's clan, Blackwall had suggested Solas wear a wig as well, but Enaste’s very pregnant friend –Harea?– had vetoed the idea when they brought out the only wig the clan apparently had: a literally dirty blonde thing with an uneven cut that Enaste had been fairly sure was actually a dead marmot.

That the servant saw fit to obscure his appearance was extremely suspicious. Was he someone the Duke thought the Inquisition could recognize? Why bring him along at all if that was the case?

The guards seemed bored, even more so than guards usually were, and thoroughly distracted. They wandered, kicked at random rocks on the ground, and shot each other irritated looks whenever the Duke spoke. They paid no mind to Solas, and only barely registered Lady Volant. 

An odd smell danced in the air: metallic, damp, and sweet. Like blood, but brighter.

"It is so wonderful to finally show you the most lively city in Thedas!" The Duke said, gesturing towards the city. His arm fell to his side, harder than was natural. "We start here, in Castle Magnolia, which you've hopefully had the opportunity to observe over your time here, my Lady."

"Of course," the ambassador responded with an easy smile. "The apartment you've so graciously lent me has such a wonderful view of your estate." In fact, the estate was the only view the apartment had; from every window, from the balcony, from the front steps, the only sights were of the carefully maintained Castle Magnolia, the sprawling home of the ruler of Wycome. "I’m eager to learn more about what else the city has to offer. Do you spend much time in the other districts, my lord?"

"Oh, well, naturally I visit the Old Orchard from time to time. The Conservatory is always so lively."

Except it wasn't. Lady Volant had told Solas of the city's history and culture the night before, and he and Wisdom had explored it in the Fade. Just months earlier, the music of Old Orchard Lane would have been so loud it easily reached the apartment they stayed in. It ought to have been full of young people playing music and enjoying their youth late into the night. In fact, the location of their apartments meant it had historically been the guest residence of visiting musicians and dignitaries who could appreciate the late night noise.

"Will there be students there, at this time of day?" Lady Volant asked.

The Duke gave her an odd smile, like it was carved out of wax, and Solas felt a chill. "They should be in class. It's nearing finals, I believe."

"Oh!" Lady Volant put her hands together in front of her chest, as if in prayer. "How wonderful that you are aware of their schedule. It’s so rare to find a leader in touch with the youth nowadays."

"Mhm," the Duke replied, still wearing that wax smile. "We should get started, my lady. There is only so much time in the day, after all." The elf behind him twitched. For a moment Solas thought he and the servant made eye contact, but the thin man was looking past him. His eyes were cold and unfocused, narrowed slightly, staring into nothing.

Solas exhaled and closed his eyes, feeling first the salty sea air on his skin, then the warm sunlight, then the brush of the Veil as it shivered and shifted. He recalled how it first felt to wake beneath its weight, to breathe and see and move as his own vast web smothered him. Since then he had come to some miserable symbiosis with it, using its voids and densities to sense when another mage was willing substance through it. 

He felt it now. The Veil was pulled taut, stretched thin so that magic could slip past its fibers. 

The servant was a mage, and whatever spell he was using, it required more magic than he could provide on his own.

At the servant's hip was a noticeably large flask, ringing softly into the Fade. The metallic smell he’d caught earlier wasn’t blood: it was lyrium, and the servant had enough to scaffold something heavy. If Solas was quick enough he might be able to swipe the flask, but then what? The consequences of disturbing the spell now could be worse than letting it continue.

Instead, he watched, and he waited. 

From the Duke's residence they passed through the first of several gates Lady Volant had pointed out to him on her map. It lay at a junction of walls separating Castle Magnolia from the lower elevation fish market and the hills of Old Orchard Lane, where the Wycome Conservatory had taught musically-gifted sons and daughters of wealthy Marcher families for over a century. As he and Lady Volant had observed, the Conservatory and its accompanying grounds were noticeably quiet. It was a green campus, aptly named in reference to a number of very old pear trees. Wisdom had been smitten with them the night before, and taken the opportunity to tell Solas about the many varieties of pears grown in the Free Marches. According to the spirit, this district was home to one of the oldest continuous orchards in Thedas, even if now it was mostly for show. The heirloom variety from Wycome was the Violini Tan, and its visage graced the entryways of the Conservatory buildings.

It surprised him that the Duke relayed none of this information, as it was exactly the type of trivia one would expect from a tour like this. Instead they walked in awkward silence through the oppressively quiet campus. Lady Volant attempted small talk with the Duke, but he offered little for her to work with. She tried asking him more specific questions --about the buildings, the trees, the alumni she'd read about-- but he gave only friendly, polite responses of little substance.

Solas caught something in one of the windows: a face, gaunt and pale, staring out from a darkened room. Then it was gone.

They reached the end of the street. Before them was one of the city's tall stone walls, and a staircase up its side to the walkways above. To their left was a narrower street that circled an ornate well of carved stone and colored glass. "I would like to--" the Duke began, and then stopped suddenly, as if choking on his words. Lady Volant tensed, moving closer to him, but the servant intercepted gracefully. He put his hand on the Duke's sleeve and whispered something in his ear, then retreated, leaving a confused Lady Volant. The guards gave no reaction to the Duke's sudden outburst.

Lady Volant glanced at Solas, making eye contact for the first time since they'd left the apartment. She quickly redirected her attention to the Duke, but Solas understood the signal, and their host's behavior was not the only cause for concern. The well had a sickly aura to it: a corrupted, pulsing magic. Solas was tempted to go to it, to see what festered within, but he knew he couldn’t approach without the servant noticing.

"My-- my apologies," the Duke said, tired but jovial. Sweat gleamed on his face, and he dabbed at his forehead with a handkerchief.  "How unbecoming of me." He smiled at Lady Volant. "Never let yourself get old, my lady."

“Are you certain you're alright? We could rest a moment, there are some lovely benches over there." She gestured towards the well and the stone benches it shared its clearing with. 

"No, no, I'm quite alright. Here," he waved his hands to the staircase in front of them. "Our city walls provide an excellent view of the Beacon Hills."

As they headed up the stairs, Solas caught the servant taking a drink from his flask. He hung back, waited until they were the last two to enter the staircase, then spoke in what he intended to be a friendly and unassuming voice. "It was smart of you to bring something to drink, lethallin--"

"I do not speak your tongue," the servant cut him off coldly, paying him no mind as he followed the rest of their group up the stairs. There was something strange about the elf's voice: his words were clipped with annoyance, yes, but also strangely controlled and stiff, and slow.

Hiding an accent?

From atop the walls they could see much of the city. Whatever the servant's spell did to the Duke, it loosened enough to let him point out the different districts. To the south and west lay the noble estates of Beacon Hills, and further west still was Fort Garahel, named for the hero of the Fourth Blight. The Duke, Solas noted, made no mention that Garahel had been an elf. By some half-forgotten accounts twisted in the Fade, he was not.

Due west of them was Parade Street, and then the city sloped into the lower districts: Dockside, the Alienage, and Gadus Market. Dockside was a large collection of wooden homes and warehouses leading to the titular docks where most of the city's human population made their homes. Adjacent to it was the small, densely-populated Alienage. Even from a distance it was unique from the other districts, with tall, crumbling walls and towering roughshod buildings packed tightly together. To its east was Gadus Market, the city's largest fish market and home to a handful of restaurants and permanent storefronts.

It was difficult to gauge the impact of the so-called plague from this vantage point, but the silence of the Orchard was telling. The lower-elevation, lower-class districts to the north had some activity, especially compared to the much quieter noble estates to the south. That could be a factor of population, but where were the servants? Where were the guards? In the Fade he'd seen a much livelier district, slower-paced than its neighbors but certainly not empty, not like this.

They continued their tour along the city's walls, tracing the border between Beacon Hills and Parade Street. The cool, salty sea air stirred the servant's wig, and he adjusted the hair around his neck. Solas felt the thinning of the Veil that surrounded the servant. Perhaps he didn't need to break the spell entirely to determine its effects; it should be enough just to make it harder to maintain.

They descended another flight of stairs, nearing Fort Garahel and the western edge of the noble district. Solas shed magic into the Veil, thickening it around the servant, reinforcing the barrier between worlds. Immediately the servant took another drink from his flask. In front of them, the Duke spoke stiffly of the city guard, his voice tight. Lady Volant went along politely, asking him questions that went essentially unanswered.

The pressure of the Veil increased, smothering now in its thickness. It was frustrating that this required so much effort, that Solas couldn't manage such a simple effect without sweat beading on the back of his neck. He kept his focus on the Veil around the servant and clenched his fist behind his back.

The servant paused and took another drink. Sunlight gleamed on his forehead. That wig had to feel hot now, just another pressure on the servant's body. Solas willed warmth into the suffocating magic weighing on the servant. In response, he reached up and lifted the hair from his neck.

In the bright sunlight, nearly-hidden even when the servant held up the wig for a heartbeat of relief, Solas saw a ring of bruised, pale skin around his neck. For one sickening moment he recalled the bruises on Enaste's neck, the pain in her eyes, the shame in her voice. It still stung, still stirred a nauseous mixture of guilt and rage and impotence in him. 

He couldn't let it distract him. He had seen the imprint of fingers on her skin, each one distinct and dark, the blood close to the surface and already turning purple. These markings looked different; an even ring, like a collar worn far too tight for far too long. 

Like a slave collar.

The servant's eyes met his. Why are you here? Who are you? He recalled the servant's strange manner of speaking earlier, the accent he was trying to hide.

Solas wrenched the Veil tight around the servant's body. All at once his spell came undone. The servant doubled over in shock, choking, sputtering.

"I..." The Duke mumbled. They stood at the bottom of the stairs. The guards looked concerned, glanced at the servant, but Solas kept the pressure on. His own magic shivered with the effort and a tight pain burst behind his eyes.

"You should... you should see," the Duke managed. He was still smiling, and his eyes were unnaturally wide. Lady Volant stayed calm and kindly asked him what he meant. "There." He pointed down the road. "In the well. My advisor, he... insisted it stay a secret." He cleared his throat. He wobbled on his feet. Lady Volant offered him her arm and he gripped it so tight she flinched. "But it's so good, Ambassador. The water is so much clearer now. With the --with the red crystal."

"Shall we go together, my lord?" Lady Volant asked, her voice strained. She tried to pry his fingers from her arm.

The guards looked to the servant, who was struggling with his flask. The stopper fell to the ground and the servant hissed: "kaffas!"

"Yes," the Duke nodded quickly, stiffly, and limped with Lady Volant to the well. Solas backed towards them, staying focused on the servant. He felt the same sick magic emanating from this well that he'd sensed at the previous one. The flask shook in the servant's hands. His will pushed violently against the Veil, struggling against the full force Solas buried on top of him.

Lady Volant gasped. Solas's back hit the well. For just a moment he turned, already knowing what awaited him.

Down, at the bottom of the well, creeping and reaching up the walls, was a mass of red lyrium crystals. They glowed sick and hot and bright, bathing the stone walls of the well in pulsing, twisting light. "Don't you see?" The Duke asked. His knuckles were white spikes around the ambassador’s sleeve.

"M-my lord, I am happy to help you but your grip is too strong," she replied, and her voice was so even and polite that Solas was impressed even through the spear of pain in his skull.

"Don't you see?" The Duke asked again. He pointed down the well. "It --it purifies the water. It makes them stronger. We don't give it to the elves, of course, just the people, they can... they can be so much stronger." He shook her arm. "It makes them stronger, my lady."

The Veil snapped. Solas inhaled sharply, leaned against the well, and forced his own magic not to release the full force of its pressure all at once. He grasped at it, pushed it back, squeezed his eyes shut with the effort of forcing the Veil carefully into place.

But it wouldn't return to its former shape. Something had sliced along its surface, like a knife gliding over skin. Solas looked at the servant, breathing hard, pain firing behind his eyes. 

The servant panted, sweat coating his forehead. Blood dripped from his clenched fist.

"Wh-what were we..." The Duke let go of Lady Volant's arm and shook his head suddenly. "A-as I was saying, um..."

Lady Volant stepped back from him, straightened her dress, and cleared her throat. "You were telling me about the new water purification methods you installed in the wells." She rubbed her arm and winced.

"Of course, I was... yes." He nodded slowly.

"If I may ask, my lord, there have been rumors about some sort of sickness in Wycome..."

"Oh, that's just-- that's all rumors!" He said quickly, redundantly. Solas watched the blood from the servant's hand fall to the ground. "Very overblown, it's hardly a cold."

Lady Volant smiled. She ran her hand over her hair, easing a few stray strands back into place. "I figured as much. But surely, if there were a disease of some sort, these new installations would be most beneficial."

"I --well --perhaps." The Duke sputtered. The servant's shoulders rose and fell rapidly. Even the guards noticed the blood now, and made no move to apprehend what was obviously a blood mage. "But the water in our city is very, very clean. It has always been so clean. Especially now though, now it's especially clean." He nodded quickly, unevenly. "If anything is causing a problem in my city, it's --it's the rats."

"Really?" Lady Volant replied, a bit nervously. "I daresay I've not seen a single rat since my arrival."

"You have," the Duke said, steadier now, eyes boring into hers. She took a half step back. His voice dropped. "You've seen plenty. And we'll be rid of them soon, my lady."

"Oh... well, I must not be very observant then," she tried.

"You've seen them. They're everywhere. You have seen them. We'll be rid of them soon. We'll be rid of them all soon." He kept nodding. "My advisor swears it, Lady Volant." His words fell, so low Solas could barely hear over the ringing in his ears. "You should meet him, you know."

"That sounds lovely!" Lady Volant glanced past the Duke, and for only the second time that day her eyes met Solas's. "Who might this be, your new advisor?"

"A man from Minrathous." The Duke smiled that hideous wax smile. "He has so many wonderful tales to tell. I think you would get along just grand."

Solas stared at the servant. His blood dripped into a puddle on the cobblestones. 

Lady Volant's voice was tight, and Solas felt her eyes on him. "Yes, I imagine we would."

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[something-tofightfor]

2023 Summer Kiss Prompt #4: Oberyn (Aphelion) - A Kiss in the Rain

The fourth prompt response for this event is one that I combined thanks to requests from @the-blind-assassin-12 and @oberynslady - I hope you don't mind!

This features the pairing from Aphelion, and takes place after the place the current chapters leave them - roughly a week and a half or so into the future. It's not much, but I hope it tides anyone that's waiting for a new Aphelion chapter over for a little while.

Thank you both for requesting this, I hope you like it!

Word Count: 2,379

“It never rains in LA.” You were standing in front of the windows in the main room, arms crossed over your chest. “I mean it does, but not often. This is …” Trailing off, you closed your eyes and took a breath. “This is perfect weather.” 

“In Dorne,” Oberyn spoke up from behind you, the man’s voice carrying from where he laid on the couch. “In Dorne, my home was right against the water.” 

“I’ve read a lot about Sunspear.” You uncrossed your arms, using a fingertip to trace along the same path one of the raindrops took, following the movement with your eyes. “The pictures made it look beautiful, Oberyn.” 

“It was.” He paused. “It is.” You heard the couch springs creak gently as he moved, and then saw the faint outline of him in the glass as he stepped toward you. Oberyn stopped just behind where you stood, one of his arms winding around your waist, his other hand landing on your upper arm and squeezing. “Someday I will show it to you.” 

The possibility of that happening made your heart slam against your ribs, lips parting in shock. It meant that he was still banking on the plan working, that even though the Lannisters knew he’d survived the Mountain’s attack and the element of surprise was all but gone, Oberyn still believed that there would be an after for him. And for me. And for all of us. “I’d like to see it. I’ve heard the tour’s really good.” 

“It’s even better when I am the one leading it.” I don’t doubt that. He urged you to step back and lean into him, Oberyn supporting your weight against his broad chest. “They only know so much. And there are plenty of secrets hidden within the walls. The same is true for the Water Gardens.” 

You didn’t doubt it - and the idea of being shown around either place by Oberyn himself made you smile, both hands settling over his on your stomach. “What does that have to do with the rain, though?” 

“The Summer Sea is very warm and usually very calm.” He hummed, resting his chin against the side of your head. “But when it turned stormy?” Oberyn paused, his grip on you tightening. “The rain was mesmerizing. Doran and Elia and I used to watch it for hours as children, staying safe within the palace. We would get wet sometimes, of course, especially when the wind was strong, because the places with the best views had no glass in the windows.” 

“My apartment has …” Swallowing hard, you winced at the thought of your apartment, the rooms sitting dark and empty, all of your belongings inside. “The balcony. It’s not as big as this one, and I’m not as high up, but it’s covered. I sit out there and enjoy the storms, but like I said, it doesn’t happen much.” 

“Ellaria hates the rain.” He laughed quietly, pressing a kiss against your hair. “It is probably because of where and how she grew up, so I cannot blame her, but …” 

“So she’s probably miserable right now.” He agreed, but then went silent, giving both of you time to think. The woman, Tyene and Toban were out hunting, though they’d all left at different times to ensure that they weren’t putting themselves at risk. Oberyn, on the other hand, had decided not to leave the apartment, choosing to stay behind and ensure your safety - because you couldn’t leave, and with the exception of the balcony and rooftop, hadn’t stepped foot outside of the building since the week before. 

You didn’t mind staying in that day, the quiet of the penthouse and your first real time alone with the man in over a week a welcome change. Especially since we probably won’t get another chance like this until … after. That was something you didn’t want to dwell on, and when Oberyn said your name, the sound of his voice filled with concern, you shook your head to clear your thoughts, turning in his arms to face him. “You look worried.” 

“I’m not worried, Oberyn. I’m just …” Settling your hands on his waist, you bit your lip. “It’s nice to have the place to ourselves for a little while, but it’s weird, too, because -”

“Because we haven’t been alone in days.” He nodded, the man’s eyes glinting with amusement. “But you are worried. I can feel it. Ellaria’s blood is not as prevalent inside of me anymore, but I can still…” He ran his hands up and down your bare arms, briefly frowning. “I can sense it.” 

“The closer we get to the wedding, Oberyn, the more I wonder…” You leaned back, resting your head on the glass. “The more I wonder how many more minutes like this we’ll have. Even if… when our plan works, it’s all going to move so quickly. And then afterward, you’ll have so much to deal with, and you and Ellaria and Toban and Tyene will be -” 

You stopped speaking when Oberyn backed away from you, his hands sliding from your body and falling to his sides. I shouldn’t have said anything. I shouldn’t have … I ruined it. “Give me your hand.” The words were a gentle command, and you did as he asked, settling your palm against his. He curled his fingers around yours, pulling you away from the glass and to the right. What are we doing? Where is he - 

He unlocked the door and slid it open in one smooth movement, pulling you outside and into the rain without speaking again. “Oberyn, what are you -” 

He didn’t let go, though he put space between you, squeezing your hand as he tilted his head back, his lips curving up and into a smile while the water began to soak into his hair and clothing. Mine too. We’re going to be… fuck it. 

You laughed as you pulled your hand free from his and stepped to the edge of the balcony, gripping the railing and then leaning over, watching the cars inch their way through traffic 20 stories beneath you. It was a warm rain, and when you looked back at the man a few seconds later, you smiled at the sight. I’m never going to get tired of looking at him.

Oberyn’s face was still upturned, his hands on his hips and the material of his t-shirt molded to his body. He was grinning, the smile bright against the dark clouds behind him… and when he lowered his head to meet your eyes, it grew wider. “What?”

“When we were in the other apartment, and I took you outside to be in the sun, you looked …” Swiping a hand over your face to get the water out of your eyes, you shook your head. “The sunlight suits you, Oberyn. But somehow, so does this.” 

“I am very adaptable.” He sauntered toward you, hands still firmly in place. “The only thing I do not like is the cold. I tolerate it, but I prefer warmth, even if it means getting wet at the same time.” 

“A true viper.” He smirked at the words, lifting one hand and settling it against the side of your throat. You leaned into his touch, his thumb sliding slowly back and forth over the mark he’d put there. The familiar heat spread from the source, your feet shuffling a half step forward, but Oberyn never took his eyes off of your face, the man staring down at you wordlessly. 

You reached up then, pushing his hair back and away from his forehead, fingers curving as they raked through the hair behind his ear. He let you touch him, standing absolutely still while you traced the line of his jaw. Beads of water collected in his beard before they dripped down, splashing to the concrete beneath your feet. 

You searched his face, focusing on the details: the honey tones in his irises, the freckles that stood out against his golden skin, the slight furrow of his brow, even though his expression was otherwise relaxed. He was almost impossibly beautiful, the set of his lips and the curve of his neck the embodiment of every fantasy you’d ever conjured up - but he was solid beneath your touch, his presence undeniable - just like the look in his eyes as he stared right back at you. 

Standing with him in the rain, the man’s full attention on you, it was difficult to believe that you’d only known him for a short time - that Oberyn’s appearance in your life had signaled the type of change that meant you could never go back to what your life had been before. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  If someone had asked a few weeks earlier, you would have said there was no way someone like him could actually exist. But he’s real. And he’s here. And for right now, he’s … with me.

You wondered what you looked like - clothing stuck to your body, hair plastered against your skull, the mascara you’d applied that morning just for a little bit of normalcy likely running down your cheeks and leaving muddy streaks against your skin. What do you see, Oberyn? Whatever it was, he must have liked it, because he finally moved - keeping his hand in place and bringing the other one up to rest it against the center of your back, pulling you closer. 

“We should get back inside. Can’t risk you getting sick.” Of course. It was another reminder that you were human and he wasn’t - that something as simple as getting too cold or damp put your health at risk when it was something that he and Ellaria didn’t even have to consider. “But first …” 

The words trailed off as his eyes dropped to your lips and then rose. You knew what he intended to do, but you moved before he did, surging forward and closing the distance between you. The kiss was messy, water dripping from your lashes onto your cheeks when you closed your eyes, Oberyn’s lips wet as they met yours - but you didn’t care. And I don’t think he does, either. 

His grip tightened on your neck for a few seconds and then he let go, sliding his arm under yours and curling his fingers against your hip. You pulled on the ends of his hair, sighing when Oberyn licked into your mouth, the tip of his nose dragging along yours. 

He pulled away from you when you shivered - not from the cold, but from the way he was touching you  - and disappointment coursed through you. Inhaling through your nose at the suddenness of the broken kiss, you gaped at him, lips parted and still tingling from the intensity of his mouth against them. “Come inside. That shower is waiting.” 

“I can think of another way for you to warm me up.” It was bold and you knew it - but even though he grinned and you saw the want in his expression, Oberyn shook his head, hand sliding down to lace your fingers together. 

“We do not have time tonight. They’ll be back soon. Patience, remember?” Oh, I remember. Grumbling, you agreed, letting Oberyn lead you back into the apartment, the man closing the door - and locking it - behind you. “Put your arms around me.” 

“What?” Shivering - for real - at the feeling of the air conditioned interior of the apartment, you turned to face him. “Oberyn?”

“Ellaria is forgiving of many things. But if we drip all over the apartment, it will take more than me charming her to make it right.” He held out his arms. “Put your arms around my neck, and I’ll carry you.” 

You had no idea how it would help, but you weren’t about to say no to the opportunity of being held by him. Before you’d even had a chance to link your fingers together against his nape, Oberyn scooped you up and was moving toward the hallway - much faster than you’d anticipated. Oh. Right. Increased strength and speed. Of course. 

Too soon, he was setting you down on the tiled floor of the bathroom, the man opening the shower door and turning the water on before he even looked at you again. “Oberyn, that -” 

“That was nothing.” He looked up, winking. “And not at all what I usually enjoy using my strength for.” Oh, he means… shit. “Hand me a towel.” You did, staying silent. After he’d swiped it through his hair a few times, Oberyn peeled his shirt off, letting it drop to the floor, and then wrapped the towel around his shoulders. “Don’t give me that look. I’m not trying to tease you right now because that wouldn’t be fair to either of us.” No, you covering up isn’t fair. “Take your time. I’ll be waiting for you.” 

He turned toward the door but you moved to stop him, reaching for his elbow. The steam from the water was filling the small room, and when Oberyn turned to look at you over his shoulder, you saw confusion on his face for a split second. “Did you mean it when you said about showing me Sunspear?” 

“Of course I did.” He turned to face you again, nodding. “Say the words. We will go. Once this is done and we are free of the Lannisters, there will be nothing to stop us.” You wanted to believe him and so you chose to, leaning in to kiss him gently. 

“Sounds great.” Smiling, you kissed him again and then straightened up, pointing at the door. “Now get out, Oberyn. I know you’ve already seen just about everything, but since you just said ‘no not tonight’ and all… it’s time for you to let me shower.” 

He let out a laugh at your words, the sound loud and genuine - and it sent another shiver through you. I want to hear him sound like this all the time. He grinned at you one more time and then hummed, mumbling something that sounded strangely like a mixture of swearing in Valyrian and the common tongue. But he left the room, closing the door softly behind him - and leaving you alone with the swirling steam that filled the bathroom.. 

— 

[inverted-typo]

After drawing my last pic I can't stop thinking about them having to sneak out to see each other:

Maybe Raven isn't with the Titans and instead was taken in by Constantine. She spend her time living between the House of Mystery and an apartment Zatanna owns in Gotham. She's the most junior member of Justice League Dark.

Batman is already a little weary of her as she basically just showed up one day, but add on her demonic heritage and let's just say he isn't the biggest fan. However, in an unlikely team-up with Constantine and Batman, Raven and Robin meet. "She's harmless!" Constantine insists, completely aware of her world-ending abilities.

Damian is injured on this mission in a way that only magic can truly relieve him. Despite Bruce's hesitancy Raven saves him; thus creating that empathetic bond. Batman is grateful for saving him, but that doesn't shake his distrust of her in the slightest. Damian is told to keep clear of her and that they won't be collaborating again.

Clearly that doesn't happen. The two can't stop thinking about each other after that. When they dream, they see glimpses into the memories of one another. They can feel what the other is feeling when those emotions are too intense. It becomes impossible to ignore. After doing some digging in the Bat Computer, Damian learns as much as he can about her. He learns her human alias, he learns about her history, what limited knowledge they know of her powers. He learns about Trigon. He learns about how the Justice League refused to help her. Further investigation proves it was Batman who was the first to opt for not helping her.

Something ignites in Damian and suddenly he just realizes he needs to see her again. It's been like two months since that first and only encounter.

If she would have lived across the country in Jump City or somewhere further, he would've happily stolen the jet. But, thankfully, he noticed the local address and hoped she was home. (Damian would be fucked if she lived only in the House of Mystery)

Thankfully, she was home. Then things just snowball from there. Usually Damian sneaks out of his house to meet with her, because well, it's fun. But mostly, it somehow seemed more dangerous for Raven to suddenly teleport into Wayne Manor.

She's been told by Constantine and Zatanna that this newest Robin was not friendly and was extremely loyal to the Bat, so for her own sake it was probably best to keep her distance. She had briefly brought up that she thinks she made an empathic connection when she healed him. It was more the circumstances that kept them worried rather than the principle. Plus, Constantine thinks he's a prick so she'd be wasting her time anyways.

Despite both being superheroes, they rarely ever saw each other in costume. Raven never patrolled in Gotham, only lived there sometimes. Her business was usually in much more mysterious places. Damian on the other hand was hard to spot. The bats really did take to the shadows. Although from her room balcony, Raven could swear she'd occasionally see a familiar flash of yellow and red darting across rooftops a few buildings away.

This goes on for months. Raven was nervous she'd raise suspicion when she started spending a majority of her time in Gotham instead of the House. Sometimes, Damian had to actively act more brood-ish than he was actually feeling to keep his father's intuitive gaze distracted.

Damian has definitely used the "I'm patrolling with Jon" excuse when he didn't have a good opportunity to sneak out.

When they were feeling risky, sometimes Damian would deadass show up on her balcony in his costume (or not). Usually this was after a particularly bad day. Raven never teleported to the Wayne manor except for once, when she too had experienced something so bad she just needed to see him.

The nice thing about having a girlfriend who can teleport you literally anywhere in the world and beyond, is they got to have movie nights in New York, dinner dates in Italy, or simply a walk on the beach in Jump City. Despite the lavishness of their dating, they sometimes wished they didn't have to sneak around so they could just lounge together at home, order pizza and fall asleep to trash TV.

They're both sure their parents probably knew about it, but their lack of beratement from said authorities seemed to contradict that theory.

In a turn of events they are set up to work on a mission again and they’re reintroduced.

“You remember Raven yes?”

“…Yep.”

[tomorrowusa]

Yet another current or former Russian official fell out of a window to her death. If you're outspoken or know too much then it's a good idea to move to a single-story building.

A retired judge in Russia who had been involved in high-profile political cases has died after falling from an apartment block window. Natalia Larina, 50, was found dead outside her apartment block in the southeast of Moscow at 8 a.m. Wednesday morning, according to Russian news outlets, which listed a suspected suicide as a cause and said she had left a note. Since the start of Vladimir Putin's full-scale invasion of Ukraine, there has been a spate of mysterious deaths of high-level Russian officials, tycoons, oil executives and businessmen, a number of whom met their demise by falling out windows.

This sounds fishy considering that she was a judge and therefore somebody who would naturally investigate unusual and suspicious requests.

The Baza Telegram channel said that in the middle of May, Larina had been the victim of a telephone scam. Someone claiming to be her former boss contacted her, saying that attempts were being made to steal money from her account to send to Ukraine to fund its armed forces. According to Baza, she was told she would be contacted by Russian special services and Russia's Central Bank. She was persuaded to transfer one million rubles ($11,200) to a "safe account" and borrow another one million rubles from the bank to be transferred. She notified the police when she realized she had been scammed, Baza said.

So if you believe the Kremlin, she jumped out of a window because she couldn't live with such shame.

"The woman was very worried about what happened. As a result, all this led to a tragedy," said the outlet, which reported that she had a daughter who was a minor.

If Putin and his Kremlin cronies are typical, Russian officials are totally without shame.

Things were bad in Russia even before Putin's three-day "special operation" in Ukraine began 836 days ago.

Wikipedia has a list of over 50 Russian current or former officials and business executives who have died under peculiar circumstances since the start of 2022.

Not all of them fell from windows or balconies. Among the exceptions…

Gennady Lopyrev – "Died of leukemia two days after diagnosis. News agencies reported no previous signs of the illness."

Vladimir Makarov – "State-run TASS news agency reported him found dead, in an apparent suicide, following his dismissal by President Vladimir Putin."

Alexander Subbotin – "Reportedly died from a drug-induced heart attack during a shamanic ritual, though critics allege toad poison."

That list does not include political prisoners like Alexei Navalny.

Putin is running his own murder squad which operates both inside and outside of Russia. He genuinely doesn't care that everybody knows he's killing people he considers to be insufficiently loyal or possessing damaging information. He thinks it will make people fear him more. But it will also create more resentment internally and make other countries ramp up their own counterespionage operations.

Putin misses the Soviet Union and is trying to reanimate it for the sake of his nostalgia.

SLIGHTLY OFF TOPIC: Natalia Larina was a retired judge. Around the same time I heard about her defenestration I saw another news story related to Russian courts.

Russian Supreme Court Bans Nonexistent Separatist Movement

^^^ why wait for an organization to exist to ban it?

[chained-to-the-mirror]

I looked through my notes and apparently last time I sat down to write my thoughts was in February. I had been struggling with my body image and had a nasty nightmare. I’ve not had very nasty nightmares now, but the body image thing is ever present.

I recently bought swimwear for the first time since my early teens. (Let it be noted that I’ll be 43 in a month.) It was inspired by a friend who is coming to visit and wants to go swimming. I was so nervous to even try on a swimsuit… but I did it. I now have two swimsuits/swimwear. I wonder how it will be to actually go out in public wearing them - not easy, probably, but hopefully it will be at least somewhat enjoyable in the end.

Also a new thing is that I’ve been wearing shorts now. It’s almost 30 degrees here and suddenly I’ve noticed I don’t care what others think. I even wore an almost sleeveless top! Who am I?! I think this is due to age, and running out of fucks to give. I mean, does anyone really care what I’m wearing? I don’t think so. I just want to be as comfortable as possible. 

I’m putting my outfit from yesterday here - I would never have been able to wear this a year ago, no matter how hot it got. I’m surprised at myself. Also shocked at how comfortable I was eventually! There was no panicking, no distress. I see all the flaws, but it just matters less and less. I undoubtedly sound like a broken record, but I’m just so surprised.

I don’t think I would be at this point without my dear friends. They keep me sane, truly - and they never seem to get tired of shooting down my negative self talk, which matters more than anyone would guess. I love them all very much.

Another thing that’s helping is plants. I’ve become a full time plant parent, and it feels good to see things growing under my care. I’ve never been able to really do this successfully until now. I’m currently sitting on my balcony, surrounded by my green babies, and I feel calm. It’s no small thing, to feel calm! The plants also help me practice being patient. My huge tomato is testing me - there are so many flowers, but no fruit. Not even beginnings, apart from one that’s smaller than the tip of my pinky. I’m told it takes time, but I just worry. I am doing my best though, and that will have to be enough.

I don’t know where I’m going with all this, except nowhere. I suppose this is my blog, and I can go nowhere as much as I wish. I was going to write something the other day, but when the time came, I found I had no words anymore. Much like now! But I was thinking a lot about my active ED years for some reason. I used to be one of the moderators on a pro ana forum - one of the nice ones, one that helped me keep myself together for a long time. I was close to several people on there - I wonder where they are now? I kept in touch with a couple even after I was discharged from my first hospital stay, but these days I have lost contact with them. I hope they have found their own ways out. We were all sick, and brought together by being alone in our respective sicknesses. 

I kept a journal on the forum - it was full of misery and wallowing, so I’m sort of glad I have no access to it anymore. In fact, I don’t even know what became of the forum after I left. I’ve tried to find it again, but nothing comes up on google at least. It was always a very private, invitation only forum. Everyone supported everyone, in both sickness and recovery (whichever way any of us went at the time). I think I’m - ironically - alive because of those girls. (I say girls, because it was all girls. I think there may have been one boy at one point, but he was not very active.)

It’s such a weird experience, and I can’t really explain it to anyone who hasn’t been a part of a place like that. I tried to explain it to the nurses and the doctors at the hospital, but I don’t think they got it. They saw it as harmful, and probably fairly. In fact, the whole thing made me realize how futile group therapy would be for eating disorders. It can go wrong in so many ways! I’ve only had personal therapy so I can’t be sure of course, but it just feels suspicious. At least for me. I think that you have to be mostly in recovery to really be able to get any help from a group. I think that I might be able to, now - now that I’m mostly recovered. But of course it’s not something that’s available for me anymore. The EDs are not even in my diagnoses - not the main ones anyway. You’d have to dig pretty deep.

I guess this is what I wanted to get out. I’m not proud of my involvement in a thing like the pro ana movement, but I can’t fully bring myself to be sorry either. These things happen for a reason, and the reason was to keep me alive. I’m grateful for that.

It’s time to stop writing. My plants around me are telling me to wrap up the day, and they are right. I only need a shower and then I can fully relax. Thank you to anyone who read this, it’s a mess!

[sumtypeofluver]

TW: Smoking, Drinking , Cursing

and I think I love you, and I hate it

- Calum had a solemn piece of mind, nothing more nothing less. What he was doing in his life was what he deserved, always nothing more and nothing less , until her. But what was he doing with this, he knew this was risky ever since she came into his life, she made him feel more defenseless and feel like he has a purpose more than what he already is doing. There were these walls that were crumbling down and that scared him, and hell he watched them burn and crumble while feeling her hands caress him, because ‘she is the one’ that one voice calls out to him in the back of his head. But did he really want to settle down and have that fear of never getting back up because he let someone in to destroy him from the inside out ? He couldn’t, right? It’ll defeat his purpose.

Cal quickly snapped out of his thoughts as soon as he heard the sliding door onto the balcony shut and directed his gaze back to Ashton on the screen with the other two boys.

Y/N let a small sigh escape her lips as she stepped out onto the small space outdoors , tugging at the bottom of the worn out hoodie as she sits on the chair and tucks her feet under her. She lit the cigarette, oh the bitter feeling of anxiety and smoke intoxicating her, watching the rain fall. She doesn’t know what to do, For the first time in two years she allowed herself to stick around with a guy, and not just a random guy, someone she found comfort in, someone she couldn’t resist herself from who never exactly hurt her , but she knows something all to well, Love is one HELL of a trip. “What the fuck am I doing” she said to herself.

Everything just kind of happened , some how or another they met at a downtown bar, had drinks and slept together but both seemed to feel some type of way and now calum practically moved all his stuff into her apartment. Her past trauma has never been touched on except for once in a while they’ll open up to eachother and she’ll have her almost routine-like story . And Calum feels for her , but he doesn’t know how to heal her from it so he does the best he can but sometimes he goes distant and does not talk to her and acts so cold towards her, even when they see eachother every damn day.

Cal closed his laptop as he was done for the evening and looked out the window, ‘another rainy day’ , reminds him of the night before when he saw her crying to him about this whole situation, she was crying, he felt his heart ache and the conversation went as he remembered:

“Why can’t you just tell me what’s going on, I thought maybe by now we’d have it figured it out but no i’ve been getting dragged along for MONTHS” she screamed as tears fell down her face

“y/n, when you’re screaming I can’t have a rational conversation with you, Jesus, I thought what we have is perfectly fine and it hasn’t been a problem up until this WEEK”

“No Calum, I am having a rational conversation with you, when you think back I have no idea where I even stand with you, all this time I just want to know what we are , what this is”, she sniffled, “I just want a clear sight of where this is going and I want to know if I should stick around or not, with you , but I guess I’ll leave you alone, per usual “ .Pure malice laced her words as she wiped her tears and left the room they were in, leaving Calum to fill up with regret from his words.

Y/N left the balcony, walking inside and going to the fridge to grab a bottle of liquor, and sits on the couch as she eyes calum walking down the stairs and motions for him to sit next to her on the couch, cal sits by her and looks at her, studying her for a minute and sits

“Hey” he says ,

“Hi…, how was the meeting “

“Ah you know the same as always, the boys are all antsy about the upcoming album, but they’re all going to *said club you and cal met in * tonight, I -“

“Oh, so you going to go with them.?” She asked and pang of hurt rushed through her as this is was typical between them to whenever a big argument happened he’d make up some excuse to go out, and took a drink out of the bottle.

Cal looked at her “actually, no I was planning on staying in with you, y/n. I actually missed having a night in with you”

And that was the start to a night filled with honesty.

As the bottle became half way empty, and a heartfelt conversation later, Y/N moved closer to calum, legs touching as she played with the hems of his hoodie..

Calum sits there looking at her , chewing on his lip, the look in her eyes look like she’s definitely been contemplating something, and oh god the look on her face definitely looks alarming , he doesn’t know what to expect .

“Cal..” . Y/n says looking at him as she props herself up against, chest on chest while his heart beating out of his chest , ‘what the hell’ his mind keeps screaming.

“These last couple months have been a lot for us, and you know something, all the hooking up and staying up til ungodly hours, all the late nigjt car rides, I used to think this was just something temporary because everything seems to be that way, but I been thinking about something very, very heavily and-“

She takes a deep breath, moves near his lips as the anticipation is killing him, she whispers

“ and I think I love you and I hate it”

Thanks for reading !!! I know this isn’t my best but I’ve had ideas for little prompts and fanfiction and I wanted to try actually creating, :)

[nyanykamito]

nyx ulric x s/o drabble "Peace"

trying to feed myself with some Nyx ulric goodness but this turned angst help, enjoy fellow nyx fangirls. There's fluff in it i swear...but you gotta wade through angst...i'm sorry

........

Today was another one of those days where he wished he could skip work, launch his phone across Lucis and come see you. But duty called and this mission was.. rough. Everything that could go wrong during the mission did.

Recently Nyx's squadron took in a few new recruits, they were green around the gills which was to be expected. One didn't listen, another was cocky arrogant ars hole and the last one was...big kid. But not the I'll never grow up rather they were pushed into a role they weren't ready for. Nyx was beyond frustrated with the other two but the other guy Nyx was terrified for...he reminded him of his younger sister..

On his first ever mission Nyx stayed by his side, making sure the kid didn't get too banged up, he made sure he only took action when he could handle it. But..it wasn't enough..

One minute the kid was grinning from ear to ear, proud of himself for nailing a hit on the enemy.. than his smile faded as he was devoured by a scorched daemon.

"CALLIGAN!!"

Nyx warped over and tried to save him but it was too late...all that was left behind was the young mans blades.

Grabbing his blades he ran toward anyone and anything that crossed his path, shredding through daemons and magiteck alike. He only stopped once the battlefield was vacant.

The rest of his squadron came over and the two rooks just looked at each other. Realizing that.. shite was about to get real.

around midnight Nyx arrived back home, but when he arrived in front of his door he saw "him" again. Quickly backing up Nyx tried to shake it but the images wouldn't leave him be..

That's when you called.. Nyx quickly changed his tone and demeanor as he quickly ran inside his apartment grabbed his duffle bag and warped over to your place.

Arriving at your place he's met by the smells of a freshly cooked meal and the sight of his beloved girlfriend wearing only the finest that Lucis could provide. A hoodie that looked far too familiar, it was his and a pair of gray sweats...which were also his. Shaking his head nyx opened up the sliding glass door and walked inside.

You had offered to give Nyx a key to your place but he didn't want to risk some knucklehead having access to your place. So instead you leave the sliding glass door unlocked, and well considering that your on the 22nd floor.. who else was going to come through there? Santa?

You bring out two beers and two plates of food one for him and one for you, you both decide to sit out on the balcony. After finishing the food nyx takes the plates in and washes them, than you two cuddle under the stars. You attempt to name a few stars but with all the light pollution its a bit hard to.

"Its funny I grew up with the stars and galaxy above my head every night. And i didn't get caught up in it too much...but now that i can't see it all too well..i miss it."

Nyx goes silent and you stare at him from the corner of your eye...something is wrong.

"hey..Nyx..?"

"let me guess your still hungry?"

"no"

"You want me to carry you to bed?"

"no you big dork"

"You...want more cuddles? Because if so it comes with a price."

"As much as that sounds nice..no."

Nyx turns to look at you. "what than?"

"Are you okay?"

Nyx turns away and you watch as he pretty much goes still, all except those beautiful steel blue eyes that you love so much. You wait a moment before scooching closer to him.

"Another glaive went home today...he didn't make it out there.. I was quick enough.."

You can hear the strain in his voice as if he's fighting back tears.

"He was made for this line of work, he was just a boy. He had a family, a mother.. a brother.. a sister.. Who's gonna tell them? Who's gonna tell them that he's not coming back? He joined to fight for his home and it cost him everything.. And what do we have to show for it?"

You slowly reach for Nyx's hands and pull them toward you causing Nyx face you.

"What are we fighting for y/n? Why am I fighting? Whats the point?.. We lose more lives than we save, what or who is going to welcome up back when this was is over.. if it ever ends."

"I'm sorry that I don't have the answers, but can i offer you something else?"

"...." Nyx's pain disappears briefly as he chuckles. "Cuddles, headpats and warm neck I can burry my face into?"

"Peace. atleast for the night and you know all of that too."

"I'll take it but only if its coming from you."

[worldscollidinginone]

Chapter 6 - Is This It?

Book master list

We then reached his house. He, again, then took me into his arms and I felt all mushy. The door of his apartment was open, and there was no trace of Aman's mother. He took me to his bedroom and this time he laid me to his bed very slowly, as if he wanted to savour that moment, and not for once he broke eye contact with me. 

I was getting scared. 

I started panting. Is this really going to happen now? 

He started kissing the back of my neck getting towards the shoulders. I moaned. At that moment I realized that I was in love with him. I just wanted him to be mine. Forever.  

He started playing with my hair and I felt so happy, for once. I looked at him. It seemed like the era of pain was coming to an end, because Aman is now with me. I leaned towards him and started kissing him passionately. I was crying, because, for the first time in my life, I was happy. He reciprocated. While kissing him, we rolled on the bed and I fell on him, and then we both started laughing. 

When we managed to breathe properly and check that no bones were broken or fractured, he said: "I love you, Priya. I love you very much. I don't know what would be life without you. There have been so many moments when I wanted to kiss you so badly that I cannot tell you. I wanted to hug you, I wanted to make you mine. But I stopped myself thinking that you would never love me. You are going to think this is a complete façade. You'll think that I am a brat who plays with people's hearts. Because you heard about the relationship I had with Cecilia." 

I started crying. I saw that Aman was also crying as well. I was so happy and sad that day.  

Happy because Aman told me he was in love with me and sad because he thought that I may be thinking this is a lie. Of course, I knew the relationship he had with Cecilia.  

She was a new girl that came from America. She was a girl that only wanted boys' attention so she can sleep with them. She was trouble. At that point, Aman was going through a rough patch in his life and Cecilia became his support, or so everyone thought. In actuality, she only wanted to be with him, so that others would get jealous of her, and she could manipulate him to do all kinds of things. Eventually, he found out that she was cheating on him, and he broke up with her.  

I replied: "Aman, who told you that I won't believe you? I have always trusted you, from day 1. If you were being a pain, I would have never come close to you. And I would have probably broken your nose." 

We both smiled and remembered the day when I broke Karan's nose. 

I asked him while touching his cheek and cupping his face: "Don't you want to know what will be my reply?" 

"I am too scared to hear it." 

I looked at him shyly and then kissed his right cheek. My lips were caressing his face while moving from his cheek to near his ear. I then told him: "I love you. I love you, Aman. I love you more than anything else in this world." 

He lit up as if he regained his life and then started to kiss me reverently and hugged me really tight. I was responding and was laughing as well. 

"You don't know how happy you've made me, Priya!!!" 

I wanted to know whose drawings he had made, so I started diverting his attention to the drawings. "Waise Aman, tumhare dressing table ke peeche kuch drawings hai. Kya mein dekh sakti hoon?" 

He looked quite shy and said: "Tumhari aakhon se kuch chukta nahin hai, ha?" He kissed me one last time and then he got up from me. He was lying on top of me all time. He then took out all the drawings and I realized they were all drawings of me. Me talking to my friends, me standing on the balcony looking at God knows what. Me trying to do some homework in my room. Me playing with Nikhil. There were so many, that I lost count of them. 

I said: "They are all very beautiful." They all looked like photographs, except they were more artistic. 

He replied: "Well, the muse I used was so beautiful that I had to match up to her beauty." I started blushing and he then came close to me and started kissing me again. I had to make him stop kissing me otherwise he wouldn't leave me. Aman then dropped me off at my dorm building and said: 

"I don't want to let you go. Stay with me, please?" 

"Aman, hum kal milne wale hai, na? And come on, you are a good boy." I then kissed his cheek, but he turned around and I ended up kissing his lips. And he was kissing me so passionately that I might have fainted if I wasn't hugging him. 

"I have to go, Aman." 

He then flew a kiss in the air, and I caught it, and put it in my heart and gave a flying kiss to him and he caught it and he smiled. 

He then dropped me off at my place, kissed my lips, and drove off to his place and I went into my dorm room, smiling like crazy.

Go To Chapter 7

[lairofdragonagelore]

DLC: Jaws of Hakkon - Frostback Basin, Nigel's point

This was one of the ruins that the explorer Ser Nigel visited on his travels through the Frostbacks. Its Tevinter name has been lost to the ages.

[This is part of the series “Playing DA like an archaeologist”]

[Index page of Dragon Age Lore ]

We are introduced to this place via the codex Nigel's Point by Collete. Colette is Professor Kenric's research assistant and one of the few elven students at the University of Orlais. The little we saw of her interpretations and preciseness in the gathering of evidence, we can consider her a proper researcher who will probably enjoy other researchers as precise as her, [unlike that fucker Orlesian in Exalted Plains who called a statue of Fen'Harel a "broken dog"]

Sadly, part of her base knowledge of this ruin comes from a previous explorer she respects: Ser Nigel. He has written several codices in this area, and despite being appreciated by a meticulous researcher such as Collete, he seems to have little recognition in the academia compared to Brother Genitivi.  So, if I don’t trust Genitivi, I find less reasons to trust this Sir, to be honest. So his opinion will be barely taken into account except when the evidence seems to confirm his words. 

This ancient Tevinter ruin lost its name and purpose ages ago. Collete tells us that these Tevinter Ruins were the first structures in this area, and the Tevinter presence lasted really little. Then, Ancient Avvar used the place, and later, Ameridan saw it in a similar shape as we see it now. 

We can explore this ruin and see what details has to offer. 

In a falling apart corner of this place we find one of these objects that we learnt via concept art that represents urns. It triggers a note that ends up being a prayer for Razikale, Dragon of Mystery. Several of these inscriptions can be found in this area and are analysed in the post of Tevinter presence in Frostback Basin.

We can see the architecture is ancient Tevinter, displaying the same iconography, patterns, and style than the ruins we saw in Western Approach.

The building has a lot of claws that stand out from the stone

One of the most unsettling parts for me is this one. On a battlement of this building, we find this massive skeleton. The supposition most aligned to the occam’s razor is to think that this was a giant slaved by Tevinter, meaning that Tevinter has been slaving giants since before the Blights. After all, we saw that the Venatori had a tradition in using them for raw brute force tasks. If this is true, then the tale of the ice-troll seems to be unlikely, at least the part in which a giant made Tevinter leave a zone. 

However, I think it’s a wrong supposition: this skeleton has no tusks nor one eye sock as the giants in DAI have. So this skeleton is simply a humanoid one enlarged, which is strange.

The ruin is half falling apart. We can see the claws have a base which looks like a pyramid made with different pointy squares. 

There are big octagonal structures and frame doors that present an intricate pattern that we saw in previous Tevinter ruins.

In one of the rooms in the open of this ruin we find this Tevinter artefact with spikes

On a side, we have access to a balcony, where an andrastian statue was placed, and at its base, there is an elven urn open. The presence of this statue has to do with Ameridan: Avvars who respected the fighting skills of Ameridan’s  companions were honoured with this statue in these ancient Tevinter ruins. The details are shared by Collete:

At the base of the statue we find a book [I assume it is Collete’s] that triggers the poem The Hunt of the Fell Wolf where we read the story about Ameridan and his Templar friend fighting a Fell Wolf demon who wounded severely the Templar.  Apparently it narrates about an "idol of fade-touched stone" that would destroy the demon. The tale ends well with both wining against the beast and the spirit.

We talk with Collete about this finding:

This statue with its inscription seem to be a tribute to Ameridan’s Templar friend and his dwarven alchemist friend. They bought time  for Ameridan against the Ancient Avvar while he continued with this quest. 

It’s implied that Orinna, despite being a dwarf, had developed unique techniques to combat demons.

Haron, the templar companion, was one of the first Tempalrs in the order when it was starting. He is the most famous templar of the original ones.

[confusedshades]

It takes a week of getting the kids semi settled and the first wave of public outrage caused from Lois's articles to taper off. Danny and Ellie are still not a 100% sure of Clark but they can tell he's good natured if a little too in love with Lois. (Ellie argues that he's married her which means he's allowed but Danny still thinks its a bit much.)

End of the first week is when things take an interesting turn.

Ellie, struck by one of her sleepless nights had decided to float around the apartment invisibly. She froze when she saw the balcony open. And then she got confused because that was Clark and Lois, except Lois was unconscious? asleep? and Clark was carrying her bridal style.

Except.

Clark.

Clark was floating.

What.

Wait.

Why did that red cape look familiar?

Holy shit were Lois, Clark, and Superman in a polyamorous relationship? But that didn't explain why Clark was flying/floating!?

She needed Danny's experience.

So Ellie flues through the walls until she finds Danny sprawled on the bed, clutching a pillow tightly.

Once Danny's awake and processed what Ellie mentioned, he's just as confused. They're whisper arguing the logistics and possibilities when there's a knock on the door.

"Hey kids?" Clark calls out through the door. "I could explain stuff if you like? I'll make some hot cocoa if you're interested in listening. If not that's fine. Just remember not to stay up too late tonight."

Danny and Ellie looked at each other before going to hear what Clark had to say. (Danny was confident he could turn them both intangible and invisible in order to escape into the sewers until they could find someplace to hide if needed. Even Superman couldn't track what he couldn't hear or see.)

Clark sets two mugs filled with hot chocolate and a handful of marshmallows. The drinks are done by the time he's explained his side and Danny's willingly opened up a little more about his own stuff.

The day after this, Clark comes home with another teenager following him.

"Hey Lois? Kids?" He called out. "Turns out cloning is a thing for supervillains."

Lois takes one look at the kid trailing behind Clark and sighs. "Honey. We need a bigger apartment with so many kids."

Dc x dp idea 110

Lois lane was not expecting her next big story to come literally knocking at her door. In the form of a two teens? Preteens?

Both black hair blue eyes, she’d have to keep them away from Bruce.

The older of the two look like he’d taken A beating, the younger of the two hyper focused on the hallway looking back and forth as if expecting someone to jump out at them.

If she can willingly jump of a roof, she most certainly could get two teens inside. They had too much to discuss.

No. A folder of info just won’t do. Come on in. Tell me everything. Secret government agency? Go on please. Just make yourselves comfortable. Portal to the afterlife?? Please more info. Need anything to eat?

She got her answers, a story, and well if two kept hanging around. That was for her to worry about.

[sincelastsession]

Joshua I called a ton of places today.

I even called HUD but had to hang up because the lady was snappy.

I need to move soon. This apartment is no longer conducive to my sanity and due to recent events like having to call BRPD and having some Latino guy threaten me in Spanish because I was stepped on my balcony and saw them hopping the fence...like they didn't live here I said nothing dude flipped out, the tiny Latino mother had to drag him away.

Earlier in the day two other families that don't live here were loud as hell hopping the fence...I called the office

They don't care as apparently "You're the only one who calls." Which isn't true.

My neighbor calls but she doesn't as frequently because of the fact her apartment layout doesn't get terrible noise.

Regardless this is nuts. I've been here 5yrs and it's been more insane than it ever has been at this complex.

I don't want to break no contact till I we figure out if that's safe but I really want to call my dad crying

This is too much for my brain.

I'm TIRED.

I'm so sick of this.

If the house wasn't filled with shit and my mom's house wasn't filled to the ceiling with boxes and literally all her rooms are full and she sleeps in a chair because she's paranoid she'll die laying flat.

So I can't live in my old mother in law suite because it's got holes in the ceiling and walls and has been sealed off for 8yrs with the cat boxes in front of it

Can't stay with mom even if I could get a room cleared out because of Esteban who I refuse to be around

I'm sick of my mom being so lonely and whining about how bad her life is. I'm sick of my dad doing the same

They don't care about me. They want me to go back to shutting up because of money

It's always money and never "hey our daughter is having hell how can we help her?"

But it's hard to talk to these people because they don't believe me they really don't seem to understand how my conditions are symptoms or whatever you want to call it works they don't understand that my brain doesn't work like theirs they don't understand anything I've told them because they don't want to listen to me and they Only Want To hear it from a professional and Even If the professional tells them that Sometimes they're like thinking that they somehow Know Better

Like my psychiatrist literally told me I needed to move and gave my mom some recommendations of places that were quiet and safe and she sent the places to my dad and he replied with oh is the psychiatrist a fucking realtor is he going to help her find an apartment and pay for it

And he just thinks I'm full of shit but he has not seen or been around any of it

He doesn't even know when I'm having APTSD episode or how to help me calm down or interact with me he just starts screaming at me which makes it worse

And my mom does the same shit she's a fucking charger nurse at a psychward and she does not do anything super kind like she pacifies certain patients but she can't even treat me that way and it's fucked up

I just need to move I don't know where the fuck to go I don't know where is safe enough for my parents and safe enough for me because even if I find a place it looks perfect they freak out because it's too much money or if it is the right price it's in a bad area so nothing I do is correct and it just feels like they're playing another game with me about well if you can't agree to live where we find then you get nothing at all and it's like they haven't even looked except for one place and that place is an apartment complex that is definitely worse than here From what I have heard from other people who have lived over there in the crime rate and the swat team sheriff that I have spoken Who said hell no don't go live over there

So I am at a loss of what to do and I feel like I'm going to lose my fucking mind soon if I don't get out of here

Like I'm kind of at the point where I don't know if offering to just empty my bank account and hand the cash to my father will fucking help anything or if he's just gonna be a Dick no matter what

And my mom was supposed to be helping but now she has new fantastic bills to pay because she ran up her credit cards and my father is also bitching about bills because he ran up his credit cards because he made stupid choices that led him to have his credit cards ran up

And I don't even have a credit card I have my debit card and I live on like $943 a month maybe Actually less than that because I generally keep 3 to $400 in case I need to bring one of the cats to the vet

I haven't even been able to leave my apartment and go to the fucking grocery store because I can't concentrate to make a grocery list and go and I can't go by myself and no one is available to go with me or talk to me on the phone while I shop and it's really nerve-racking in in ordering groceries sent me in to a crying fit yesterday because I couldn't order them because I took so long that they couldn't be delivered till today and then I ended up deleting the whole cart and sobbing and luckily I do have some food but This is not good Because I'm so hyper vigilant and I'm constantly in free state it's impossible for me to get myself moving to do productive things like leave my apartment and get groceries and other necessities of things I've run out of that I need to clean with and I need to get moving boxes

And I just I really hope that my parents aren't pulling another bullshit on me because II can't do this I cannot continue to be tortured by people

Like trying to call the housing people was hell like I was so nice and they were so rude and I tried to explain to them that I was disabled and they just don't care they don't need to be working jobs that they don't enjoy it's fucked up it's not fair

Like why do veterans get housing so easy and people like me can't I've been through worse I would rather have gone to war andstected bodies then dealt was what I've been through I'm so serious

So incredibly serious I would rather have been shot at in active combat then deal with all the crap I've been through because it's pretty much everything but active combat that I've had to deal with

I mean it's really that much

So why don't they have residential places for people like me or can I bamboozle my way into veteran saying so I have some more safe to live

Like what are my options and can we have a session at some point soon where we can do some homework and find somewhere for me to live because I am so scared I'm gonna end up having Just constant PTSD episodes and get worse I'm terrified that I'm going to lose touch with reality at some point because it's just getting worse and worse and I don't want to go to an inpatient facility.

Like I'm not a danger to myself or others currently but I don't know what's going to happen if I have to continue enduring loud bullshit while in a massive flare

Also I need to move because my hip and my knee and my entire right leg and body are killing me and my back is fucked up and no one takes that seriously like I can show them the damn imaging and they still don't understand that I'm in severe pain I just don't cry and wine and bitch about it anymore because no 1 cares

I just Try to block it out if I have no medicine

Like it's kind of comparable to disassociation I don't know how I do it but sometimes my brain can block out a large amount of pain without aid but it is really hard to manage when my PTSD is on fire and so my pain is worse and I am so tense and the crying is not helping that and this is just shit

So yeah I could really use some help I don't know what the fuck to do with my parents and they're bullshit I don't know how to magically get financially stable and away from them

I don't even know if salvaging any of these relationships is possible or if it's going to help anything or make it worse

I would love to see if I can get my answer uncles on the phone and see if they would be willing to sit in on a session and hear what you have to say about me because they don't believe me or understand me at all and I feel that they hold grudges for shit I don't even know what I did to them likeOr if my dad just spun stories about me

Like my aunt told me to leave her alone and never contact her again after I just asked her for help understanding some sort of account that my dad was bitching at me about that I didn't get

And she's worked for JPMorgan and other banking places says she would have known the answer and I can't possibly think that she decided to just go no contact with me because I asked about that

But she's a billionaire with several horse ranches and horses that cost more than houses here

And my first cousin who's a piece of shit got money to build his own house and they're so proud of him When he literally does nothing

And then on my mom's side I have another first cousin and he's in New York learning accounting and my aunt and uncle are in Arizona and there's super duper religious you need Jesus Catholics and they think smoking weed even for medical is bad and say thanks that I'm lazy and irresponsible and all this other shit and they know exactly how my parents act And they don't do anything to help me they don't reach out they don't offer for me to come visit nothing

They might listen to me or Talk to me on the phone for A Little While but otherwise they just Don't understand the Gravity of the situation or Care and I Don't Know what else to do

Like on my dad's side I have an older aunt but she's probably at the edge where she's going to be in a nursing home soon and I don't know what to do Because she is very stoic and she gives very short sharp answers and I don't know if she's drinking again or not but she's like in her 80s I think at this point so I probably shouldn't even bother her

And then my uncle that is a priest that is retiring in 2 weeks is drunk as hell and I can't even talk to him but he has a place in Biloxi that has 2 extra bedrooms andIt did drunkenly tell me that I could visit with him as long as I could deal with his cigarette smoke and I told him I didn't care and I would love to come visit if I had the chance and I don't even know if he remembers the phone call

Because yea alcoholism runs in the family

Surprisingly I don't have it I can drink like a normal person and then not drink

I don't know what to do I just feel really hopeless today

I needed to get so many things done this week and I accomplished it feels like nothing

I haven't even been able to clean up my fucking apartment because I'm so stressed out that I can't really move from where I end up sitting or standing or laying down I just freeze up and stand there or sit there or lay there for hours

About the only thing I can do is get my ass up and go get a burger and go to therapy right now and that's aggravating to me because yeah it's good I can get to therapy but I should be having this much trouble doing simple shit that I didn't have issues with before

And I don't think my parents quite understand how bad this is and they don't even know what to do because they don't even think about what they could do to help me they really don't they just do the bare minimum bullshit and I'm their daughter I'm their daughter by blood

And they care more about my sister they always have because she's the healthier one And she's engaged and she's the baby and she's the fucking golden child she can do no wrong even when she attacks me everybody gets tired of me talking about it but I can't quit going over it because it's still fresh

And no one understands this

Like I need someone to explain to my parents what kind of agony I am going through because they don't get it

I have been unable to explain it to them like a neurotypical person would

And they think that I'm a manipulative person that would have liked tricked you or something which I know damn well that that's not really possible Because I'm sure you work with people and so much that you can spot the bullshit. Also why in the world would I do that. Like my parents have thought that I have been manipulating therapist my entire life and they made me quit seeing people because they thought they were taking my side not theirs when I was younger and now it's just fucking chaos I can't fucking live in the stupid place unless it comes down.

I've tried to get my parents to look at some places in Spanish town because that would be OK because it's not very loud over there and I know there's some apartments that are affordable or they had some at some point that were

I mean basically what I'm looking for is a 2 bedroom flat or standalone property with a in unit washer and the ability to have my esa cats square footage I don't know if I care anymore but I was hoping for like at least 900 and something square foot

At this point at 37 I wish I could marry for the convenience and run the fuck away from my family or be legally adopted by someone who wants to help but that's insane to have to think about as options

I'm about to cry. I just want quiet and sleep and to function.